Judging the Judge

Judging the Judge

‘All rise,’ ordered the Clerk of Court, as in swept the Judge Mutunga, latest star of our entertaining  judiciary. ‘Today,’ intoned the Clerk, ‘we return to the case of DBZ vs Mr Red Miimba. I call upon Mr Miimba to return to the witness box.’

     ‘Mr Miimba,’ said the judge, ‘Disbursing Billions of Zillions, trading as DBZ, is suing you in your capacity as a director of Postmortem Tours. DBZ is demanding the return of the twenty billion pin which they made the mistake of lending to you. What do you have to say for yourself before I pass judgement?’

     ‘M’Lord,’ replied Miimba wearily, ‘this is well known to be a politically motivated case. As the manager of DBZ, Mr Dubious Brainless Zombie has already explained to this court that the loan was to support the Postmortem Bus Tours of Monstrous Mansions in New Kasama. These tours were organized so that ordinary citizens could see how their tax money had been squandered and misappropiated by the previous government. This was part of the Fight Against Corruption.’

     ‘Mr Miimba,’ said the judge sternly, ‘I am not interested in whether your bus tours were to New Kasama or Timbuktu. But I am interested in how you were lent twenty billion pin when you were notoriously insolvent and owed money all around town.’

     ‘M’Lord, the government backed the loan because my tours were exposing corruption.’

     ‘Hmmm,’ murmered the judge. ‘But if this corrupt loan was such an important part of the Fight Against Corruption, then why did DBZ suddenly call in the loan? Was this an unexpected sign that the Fight Against Corruption had begun to succeed?’

     ‘A new government came in,’ explained Miimba. ‘And the new government immediately started the Fight Against the Fight Against Corruption, and realized that I was now part of the Fight Against the Fight against the Fight Against Corruption. So DBZ called in the loan because they had to follow instructions from the new government.’

     ‘So DBZ brought you to court to get their money back?’

     ‘Yes, M’Lord.’

     ‘Was that really because the loan was corruptly obtained?’

     ‘Certainly not, M’Lord. That could not possibly have been the case, because the government’s new Fight Against the Fight Against Corruption was in support of corruption.’

     ‘But why didn’t you just repay the loan?’ wondered the judge.

     ‘It was a matter of principle,’ explained Miimba. ‘From the outset it was understood that this money was just a grant for our good work, and only described as a loan for accounting purposes. Therefore the demand for repayment was obviously being made in bad faith.’

     ‘I put it to you,’ said the judge, ‘that DBZ stole this money from the people, and you were stealing it from DBZ, and this was understood on both sides.’

     ‘Exactly,’ agreed Miimba. ‘I quite agree that if one thief lends money to another thief, the second thief should perhaps be open to the accusation of receiving stolen property. But I should not need to remind Your Lordship that no such charge is before this court, and you would do well to concentrate your mind on the actual matter in hand.’

     ‘It seems to me,’ retorted the judge, ‘that despite all your claims of political machinations, the simple truth of the matter is that you borrowed twenty billion pin and you should repay it. What do you say about that?’

     ‘I would warn you to be careful,’ said Miimba ominously. ‘The previous judge in this case was about to rule in my favour, and see what happened to him!’

     ‘What do you mean?’ laughed the judge. ‘Don’t you want me to rule in your favour? Anyway, I wasn’t thinking of doing so!’

     ‘You don’t seem to understand the political predicament of the judiciary, or the danger of your own position’ replied Miimba. ‘The last judge failed to understand that the government wanted a judgment against me, so when they saw that he was about to rule in my favour, he was recused.’

     ‘Nonsense,’ said Judge Mutanga, ‘a judge cannot be recused, he can only recuse himself.’

     ‘Well,’ said Miimba, ‘maybe he was infused or excused or just confused, but he certainly had to leave in a hurry. That’s why you were suddenly allocated this case.’

     ‘Oh good,’ said the judge, ‘so if I rule against you, I shall be doing the right thing!’

     ‘Don’t you understand anything?’ sneered Miimba. ‘The government has changed since then, the Fight Against Corruption has resumed, and the people in government are all my friends again. So I am just giving you a friendly warning that if you rule against me, you are putting yourself in a fix.’

     ‘Well,’ said the judge, ‘The law says that if you borrow money you should repay it. So I order you to do so.’

     Two days later the TV evening news included the following item: ‘High Court Judge Mutanga has been arrested and charged for stealing a pencil from Shoprite. ACC Spokesperson has revealed that, after the judge’s home and office were searched for twenty-four hours, investigating officers found the pencil concealed in a desk draw, and Judge Mutanga could not produce a valid receipt to justify his possession of the item suspected to have been stolen. The charge is further aggravated by the suspicion that this allegedly stolen pencil is the very one used by another judge when he was forced to recuse himself. Police bond has been refused on suspicion that the judge could easily repeat the same offence if allowed out of custody.’