Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Parliamentary Fraud

Department of Parliamentary Fraud



By virtue of powers given under the Destruction of Parliament Act of 1823, and in conformity with the procedures of the Prostitutes Procurement Procedure of 1867, the Department of Parliamentary Fraud (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the PF) is hereby issuing this Invitation to Tender for the supply of Parliamentary Seats to the PF.

This Invitation to Tender is offered in pursuance of the PF Policy to extend development to those constituencies which previously refused to give their parliamentary seats to the PF. However, in its benevolent desire to develop all of the country, the PF is now undertaking a policy of buying these seats in order to end unnecessary division in the nation and to bring about peace, national unity and development to all constituencies.

A contract to supply a parliamentary seat to the ruling PF may be given to any opposition member of parliament where the tendered amount for selling the seat is deemed reasonable by the Procurement Atrocity, and where the opposition member (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the Prospective Supplier) meets the specifications set out hereinunder:

Goods and Personnel to be Supplied:
·      One green leather seat in parliament
·      One opposition member of parliament
·      At least one thousand opposition party defectors
It should be noted that opposition voters’ cards are considered an added advantage.

Description of Personal Services to be provided by the Prospective Supplier:
·      Standing as PF candidate*
·      Supervision of distribution of  brown envelopes, chitenge, mealie-meal, etc
·      Subversion of local chief
·      Supervision of party thugs
·      Distribution of pangas
·      Infiltration of local ECZ officials
* In the unlikely event of election failure, the Supplier would instead be offered the post of ambassador in a foreign mission.

Required Abilities and Qualifications of the Prospective Supplier:
·      Ability to lie without blinking
·      Ability to make speeches which repeat the words of the Party Leader
·      Ability to obey the Party Leader’s instructions without question or hesitation
·      Lack of any formal qualifications (exception will be made for forged certificates)
·      Lack of any political beliefs or principles

Note: To ensure equality of opportunity, literacy is not a requirement.

Undertakings to be made by a Prospective Supplier before signing of Contract:
The Supplier must undertake:
·      Never to contradict the Party Leader
·      Never to voice a personal opinion
·      Never to tell the truth, especially when under oath
·      To support the next Constitution, irrespective of its provisions
·      Always to vote in parliament according to party instructions

If the above Conditions are met, and if the Tendered Price is acceptable, the PF will contract to:
·      Supply from the Health Budget all funds necessary to buy votes
·      Send Dotty Scotty to the by-election to make false promises
·      Upon successful election, appoint the Supplier as a Deputy Minister
·      Provide a ministerial house with a minimum of twelve toilets
·      Provide a Landcruiser GX as person-to-holder
·      Provide immunity from investigation by ACC and DEC
·      Provide employment in foreign embassies for all of the Supplier’s children

Submission of Tender Documents:
Tender documents should include specifications of the seat being made available, the details of the Prospective Supplier as outlined above, and the price at which the seat is being offered. Documents should be posted within 90 days to:

Tender for Subverting Democracy
Department of Parliamentary Fraud (PF)
Former Anti-Corruption Commission
One-Party State Pilot Project
P.O. Box 666,


Splinter Kapimbe
General Secretary,
Parliamentary Fraud (PF)

On this Fifteenth Day of May 2013

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

PF Power Failure

PF Power Failure

            ‘I just can’t understand it,’ said Sara. ‘How can Cycle Mata go to give an official speech on Labour Day, and then come up with all that drivel about bald heads, witchcraft, monkeys in trees and so on?’
          ‘Be fair,’ I said, ‘he also mentioned the untiring efforts of the workers in producing the wealth of the country.’
          ‘What we are watching is a clear case of power failure,’ declared Kupela.
          ‘Huh!’ Sara snorted. ‘Power failure! If you ask me, they’ve got too much power! They need taking down a peg or two!’
          ‘Too much political power, but not enough electrical power,’ said Kupela. ‘That’s why their speeches degenerate into nonsense. When they run out of electrical power, that's when whatever they say suddenly begins to degenerate into confusion and absurdity.’
          ‘I don't believe this,' Sara laughed. 'Humans don’t run on electricity!’
          ‘That’s where you’re wrong,’ said Kupela. ‘It’s electrical messages from the brain to the muscles which keep everything going. Now if you run out of the electricity necessary to connect the brain to the tongue, then you will begin to babble complete nonsense, giving the unfortunate impression that you’re a complete drivelling idiot!’
          ‘Like Dotty Scotty in his interview with the Guardian?’
          ‘Exactly,’ said Kupela. ‘In his case he lost the electrical connection between his tongue and his memory, causing him to forget all his diplomatic training. So instead his tongue was connected directly to all his nasty little prejudices, causing him to insult everybody in South Africa from the president down!’
          ‘At least he was honest,’ laughed Sara. ‘He said what he actually believed!’
          ‘To tell the truth,’ I said solemnly, ‘that is a foolish and fatal mistake for any politician.’
          ‘But what explains this strange electrical power failure?’ Sara wondered.
          ‘It’s a symptom of old age,’ explained Kupela. ‘Our electrical energy is supposed to be stored up in the fat of our buttocks. But when you become old and senile, and your buttocks are all shrunken and withered, there is no storage capacity. So if you try to give a long speech, especially while trying to stand up at the same time, you suffer a disastrous power failure.’
          ‘So that explains why our illustrious but senile leaders sometimes have to rush off home right in the middle of a ceremony?’ I suggested.
          ‘Exactly,’ said Kupela. ‘They have to rush back for emergency electrical dialysis treatment to recharge their worn out batteries. Only emergency application of electrical shock treatment can reverse the decomposing chemical reactions in their decaying buttocks.’
          ‘Does this take a lot of electricity?’
          ‘Enormous amounts,’ said Kupela, ‘because their worn out bodies are nearly finished. It has been calculated that it is necessary to supply a full hour of a kilowatt of electricity into an ancient buttock to induce just one joule of additional energy.' 
          ‘So what happens to all the wasted energy?’
          ‘It is dissipated as hot air, wind, tantrums, bad jokes, peremptory dismissals, and other useless and distasteful behaviour.’
          ‘But what is the physiological reason for such biological inefficiency?’
          ‘It arises mainly from the difficulty of energy generation in a geriatric,’ Kupela explained. ‘The lungs have turned to leather, the liver is shot with alcohol, and the fibrous heart has no regular beat but instead exhibits only irregular twitches.’
          ‘So it takes an enormous amount of energy to get the smallest result?’
          ‘Exactly,' said Kupela. ‘It has been calculated that once Axe Chikwale’s eyelids have closed, it takes the power of an entire two megawatt North Bank generator to lift them open! And then, of course, there’s the larger task of trying to reconnect his eyes to his brain!’
          ‘But surely,’ I said, ‘this momentus geriatric dilemma must put a terrible strain upon the national grid, causing low voltage, and so on.’
          ‘Of course it does!’ laughed Kupela. ‘That’s why we’ve got all this load shedding and blackouts between six and nine o’clock. After these ancient politicians have finally reached home, they are desperately trying to recharge their energies expended  on their useless and incomprehensible speeches. After having hopelessly blacked out in the middle of their speeches, they then go home and black us out, so that they can steal our energy to regenerate themselves.’
          ‘The way they are going,’ said Sara, ‘they’ll be no energy left for the rest of us. They’ll bring this country to a complete halt!’
          ‘That’s not the worst of it,’ said Kupela grimly. ‘As they cast around desperately for more energy, they are also sucking power from parliament and from the judiciary, leaving them both powerless. In a desperate bid to re-energize themselves they are now trying to capture the constitution to give all power to themselves, leaving the rest of us with nothing.’
          ‘Sucking us all down into a black hole of darkness,’ said Sara.
          ‘It’s a tragedy,’ said Kupela, ‘because these ancient zombies can never be fully re-energized. Their impending fate is all too certain and inevitable. The only remaining question is whether they are going to suck the rest of us down with them.’
          ‘But can we escape our fate?’ I wondered.
          ‘The trick,’ said Kupela, ‘is to cut them off from their energy supply. Pull the plug!’
‘But how do we do that?’
          ‘Some people say there’s only one man who knows how to do it. While he was working for ZESCO he managed to analyze the problem and work out the solution.’
          ‘And who is he?’
          ‘Father Bwalya,’ replied Kupela. ‘He is the one who knows how to pull the plug.’