The true story of… The Fall

The true story of…

The Fall 

        

              

        The bishop walked slowly to the lectern and opened the Holy Book. ‘The lesson this morning,’ he intoned solemnly,‘is taken from the Book of Nemesis Chapter 2, Verses 7 to 25,’ ...

        And the Lord formed man out of the dust of the ground and breathed life into his nostrils, and a soul into his body and said unto him ‘Your name is Adam and you are in the Garden of Zeden.’

        And that night, while Adam slept, the Lord took one of his ribs and made from it a woman. And when Adam awoke the Lord said to him ‘This is a woman and her name is Eve. You will cleave to her as your wife and produce more of your kind, which shall be called humans.’ And they were both naked but they were not ashamed, but were pleased to do the bidding of the Lord.

        And the next day the Lord returned to advise the newly married couple, saying unto them ‘Be fertile and multiply, and look after your Garden wisely. Of every tree in the Garden you may freely eat, but of the copper tree you may not eat thereof or you shall surely die,’

        And so it was that Adam and Eve prospered and multiplied and populated the Garden of Zeden with all their descendents who all fed from the plentiful fruit of the Garden.

        And it came to pass that one day, when the Patriarch Adam was walking through the Garden of Zeden, he came face to face with a serpent that was hanging from the branch of a copper tree. And this serpent, which was more subtle than any other beast, whispered in the ear of Adam saying ‘You, Great Patriarch Adam, it is a great pity that in all your five hundred years you have never experienced the marvelous copper of the famous copper tree.’

        ‘And Adam answered him stoutly, saying unto him ‘I am sworn unto my Lord not to eat the fruit of the copper tree.’

        But the serpent answered him saying ‘You may keep your promise unto your Lord, for the copper tree has no fruit. It is called a copper tree because it grows in places where copper is found. With copper you can make knives and spears to kill animals and clothe yourself in their skins.’

Adam was doubtful about this argument, but the serpent continued whispering persuasively, saying ‘How can you, a whole paramount chief, be shivering naked in your own kingdom? You should be wearing a warm leopard skin and wearing the copper crown and copper bangles which befit a mighty king! Instead, Oh King, even the hyenas are laughing at you.’

And so Adam began to feel his nakedness, and yearned to become the Leopard King of Copper. So then the crafty serpent told him about the Mighty Magic Machines which could be brought from the other side of the forest.

And so Adam spoke to his wife of five hundred years, saying unto her ‘I have decided to dig out the copper from under the copper trees.’

And she answered him saying ‘Oh no you mustn’t! The Lord Our God has forbidden it!’

And he answered her, saying ‘I am your Husband and not to be contradicted!’

And so it came to pass that the Mighty Magic Machines arrived in the Garden of Zeden to dig out the copper from under the copper tree, which meant that thousands of copper trees had to be uprooted.

And the copper was found under the copper trees, but so deep down that the Garden of Zeden lost all its trees and instead became one big hole in the ground, called a copper mine.

And so it came to pass that the people of Zeden no longer had an easy life of plucking the fruit off the trees, because there were none. Before long all the women were living in a little village at the side of the Mighty Hole of the Mighty Machines, where they had to work hard to grow beans and maize to feed the men working in the copper mine.

And the men worked mighty hard for the Mighty Machines, because the men were attached to the Mighty Machines, so that the faster a Mighty Machines worked, the faster the men had to work to keep up with them.

And the Mighty Machines generously allowed the men to visit their wives for one day a month, in order to produce the next generation of copper miners and maize growers. And one of the Mighty Machines produced cloth to cover their naked bodies, to avoid any unnecessary thought of reproductive activities during working hours.

And nobody in the former Garden of Zeden, now the Giant Hole Copper Mine, ever received a single piece copper. For every week there arrived another Mighty Machine called a Train that took away all the copper to the Land of Mighty Machines.

Then one day the people heard the thunderous voice of the Lord reverberating around the Great Hole in the Ground, saying ‘You have eaten the forbidden fruit! I gave you Paradise and you have turned it into Hell! You are now attached to machines and your souls have been destroyed! You are already dead and gone to Hell! A Hell that you made for yourselves!’

Now the bishop looked up from the Holy Book, and tears were streaming down his face. A single loud wail rose up from the back of the church. It was infectious: the the entire congregation began wailing uncontrollably.
        For this was not merely the story of Adam and Eve. This was also their story.   

The Parable of the Shotgun

The Parable of the Shotgun

It was Sunday morning, and we were having a nice lazy lie in. Or so I thought. Until Sara suddenly leapt out of bed with a start. ‘It’s half past eight! We’re supposed to be at the nine o’clock service!’

‘Oh Christ,’ I said. ‘Can’t we give it a rest? We’ve already been to three funerals this week! I must be going to church more than the Pope!’

‘It’s Independence Day,’ said Sara.

‘Yes, dear,’ I said. ‘Independence. I remember that.’

By the time we had taken our seats on the hard penance of a wooden pew, the priest was already beginning a reading from the Holy Book. ‘The lesson this morning,’ he was saying, ‘is taken from the Gospel according to St Kalaki, Chapter Thirteen, Verses 1-25, commonly known as the Parable of the Shotgun.

‘And the Pharisee said unto Jesus, When you talk of independence, are you not inciting rebellion against the Romans? And blaspheming against your God who demands your obedience to all earthly authority?

‘And Jesus answered him, saying, There was once a peaceful land called Zombia, a land of milk and honey, where land was as free as air, and all the people respected one another, and where all disputes were settled amicably by the Chief.

‘But one day there came three wise men from the east, who had shotguns. And the citizens marveled at these strange weapons, for this was the first time that gunpowder had been seen in Zombia. So they called these strangers Shotguns, because they all carried shotguns.

‘And the peaceful people of Zombia were jerked out of their peace and tranquility by these shotguns, which could kill animals and even people, and which made such a loud bang that some people died of fright.

‘And because of their brutality, the Shotguns soon took over the previously peaceful land of Zombia. For the Shotguns had come looking for the copper which lay deep underground, which they needed for making more shotguns.

‘And the people were sore afraid of the Shotguns, so they went to the Chief to complain. But the induna at the palace gate spoke to the people, saying your Chief has gone up in a big machine in the sky to visit the Republic of Shotgunia, and won’t be back until next month.

‘So the people came back a month later, with a petition saying the Shotguns are paying us only one talent a day, but it costs ten talents to feed a family. Our wives have to grow the food to support us miners. And on top of this we have to pay hut tax, income tax, drinking tax, eating tax and everything tax. So the Shotguns are getting our copper free of charge and taking it to Shotgunia where they become rich. Whereas we, who used to be rich, have now become destitutes in our own land.

‘And every morning before we begin work on the mine we are forced to salute the Shotgun Flag and sing the Shotgun song:

Stand and shoot the Zombians,

How they flee,

See them dance in agony.

Victors in our struggle

For their rights,

We saw freedom’s flight.

Praise be to shotgun,

Shoot them, shoot them.

Praise their great copper,

Steal it, steal it.

Captives they stand,

Under the flag of our land.

Shotgun, praise to thee,

Zombians, work for free.

‘Please, O Chief, return our land to us, so that our copper may be ours, and so that we may never again be slaves of the shotgun.

‘But when the Chief came out of his palace to hear the people’s complaint, the people saw that he was also carrying a shotgun, and was wearing heavy copper bangles on his ankles. And the Chief threw the petition aside, and instead pulled a scroll out of his pocket which he read to the people. This is the Title Deed by which I have given all the copper to the Shotguns, and anybody who causes trouble will be guilty of treason!

‘Then the people were sore annoyed. But there arose amongst the people an Old Lion who was immune to bullets. And he organized all the young men to steal all the shotguns at the dead of night, and dance the cha-cha-cha upon the guns until they were all broken. And verily I say unto you, from that time no shotgun was ever allowed again into that land, and nobody ever again succeeded in stealing the independence of the good people of Zombia.’

Now the priest closed the Holy Book and looked up at the congregation. ‘The lesson today shows us that we must always value and guard our independence, or it will be taken away from us.’

We all sat there in silence. Until there came a great choking sob from an old man at the back. Then came a terrible wail. And then there rose up a great howl of grief from the entire congregation, filling the church until the roof began to shake. As people threw themselves onto the floor in despair, the priest crumpled into his chair, put his head in his hands, and wept. Then up stood six pall bearers, all dressed in black, picked up the coffin, and began to carry it slowly from the church.

And on the side of the coffin was written ‘INDEPENDENCE’.

Full Circle

Full Circle

‘I really can’t make it out.’ said Amock, ‘We seem to be back to 1940, with protesting miners being shot.’

‘It was just a matter of time before the bullets started flying,’ said Sara. ‘When workers are paid slave wages, strikes are illegal, and protests are illegal, then something’s going to blow up.’

‘What about the political aspect of it?’ Amock persisted. ‘How do we understand a ruling party allowing workers to be treated like dogs? These are the same workers from whom they need votes at the next election? Is there some explanation for all this which has passed us by?’

‘I’ll pour another round,’ I said, as I picked up the brandy bottle. ‘I think our imaginations need a bit of lubrication.’

So we sat there for a few moments in contemplative silence. ‘At least,’ said Sara, ‘this explains why the Chinese hearses were bought, to quickly remove dead miners from the scene. And mobile hospitals to quickly arrive, and attend to the dead and dying. Now people will understand why we needed these expensive imports, and thank the government for their great foresight in anticipating mine massacres.’

‘That still doesn’t get over the problem that people don’t vote for massacres,’ declared Amock. ‘But on the other hand, maybe they no longer need our votes, they can rely on rigging.’

‘That can’t be the answer,’ I said. ‘The basic mathematical formula for rigging, as first introduced in Velvet Mango’s classic work on Election Manipulation, established that rigging can increase a candidate’s vote by a theoretical maximum of only 10%.’

‘And this government,’ said Sara, ‘is probably facing a 95% swing against them. The only people who would vote for them would be coffin makers and undertakers.’

‘So it seems that we can’t explain the government’s behaviour,’ I said. ‘If there’s is no rational explanation, it must be mere stupidity.’

But so far Jennifer had said nothing. All she had done was to pour herself another brandy. But finally, she spoke. ‘Be careful who you call stupid,’ she said. ‘Maybe it’s us who are too stupid to understand the government’s clever plan. Maybe these ministers are not as stupid as they look.’

‘I certainly hope not,’ said Sara. ‘But do you have an alternative explanation?’

‘I think you’ve been focusing too narrowly on the mistreatment of workers,’ said Jennifer. ‘You have to look at the bigger picture.’

‘What bigger picture?’ I sneered. ‘Like taxing starving miners, but not taxing the rich mines? Isn’t the bigger picture the same, only worse!’

‘Perhaps,’ said Jennifer. ‘But what about all the new roads and new bridges that the government is building? What about the new hospitals and schools? How does that fit into your picture?’

‘That’s a good point,’ admitted Amock. ‘Maybe a lot of people will vote for these things, and forget about the mistreatment of the workers.’

‘Maybe,’ admitted Jennifer. ‘Maybe they will vote for these things because they think they will benefit from them.’

‘And won’t they?’ asked Sara.

‘Suppose these things are all part of the same plan,’ said Jennifer. ‘Suppose that the plan is to drive the Zambian workers out of the country, and replace them with Chinese! Then we can understand why we need a railway link to Maputo, and another to the Bangwelu railway and Luanda. And why are we building new roads into Angola? And new bridges at Chaiwa and Kasungula? Isn’t it because they are needed to export our workers by the million, and import the Chinese!’

‘So our workers are being treated like dogs on purpose, to chase them out of the country!’

‘Exactly,’ said Jennifer. ‘And this is just part of the bigger picture.’

‘Then why are we building so many schools and hospitals?’ I asked.

‘They’re all for the new Chinese workers!’ laughed Jennifer.

‘And will all the exported Zambians be able to find work abroad?’ Sara wondered.

‘They couldn’t find work here because their jobs were taken by highly paid foreigners. But if they go abroad, the Zambians will then be highly paid foreigners.’

‘So will these Chinese make Zambia rich?’

‘Hasn’t the Minister for Nkongole Budgets, little Mosquito Katwishi, already promised that we shall soon be a middle income country! But how is it going to be achieved? Let me tell you the secret! Once the Chinese own everything they will invest heavily. The copper money will stay here. New factories everywhere, full of Chinese workers. We shall be the new Hong Kong!’

‘But we shall become the Republic of Chinbia!’ exclaimed Sara. ‘Doesn’t Nyamasoya realize that the Chinese will take over the government? The remaining Zambians will be their house-servants and chola boys, and we shall be treated like dirt. We shall be a colony once again. Is that Vasco da Gama’s great plan? Is this his marvellous vision for our future?’

‘Of course it is!’ laughed Jennifer. ‘This is all that these old UNIP fellows know and understand. They understand colonies, and how to deal with them. So they will organize another struggle for independence, capture the rich colony from the Chinese, and bring back the one-party state! Once again we shall be a rich middle income country!’

‘What a relief!’ laughed Amock. ‘And what a great vision! Then we won’t be back in 1940 anymore! We shall have moved forward to 1964!’

‘And all much better off!’ said Jennifer.

I refilled all the glasses, and raised mine in the air. ‘Let’s all be upstanding! Let’s celebrate the Struggle for Independence!’

[Thanks to Isaac Makashinyi and Hachi Beekay, who both contributed ideas to this piece]