Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Sexual Politics

Sexual Politics

As we turned on the TV, there was Mampi belting out our favourite number, Swilili. ‘ZNBC is improving,’ laughed Sara, ‘usually they give us only Tujilijili.’

But our enthusiasm was short lived, as the MC came onto the stage dressed in a hideous blue chitenge shirt, grabbed the microphone and shouted ‘Here at last is the woman you’ve all be waiting for, Dollar Tujilijili!’

The crowd jeered and booed as out onto the stage staggered a bulbous hippopotamus of a woman, wrapped in a huge blue chitenge which was knotted above her huge swinging breasts. The crowd groaned as she menacingly pointed one finger at them and shouted Your hour has come!’ They shook their fists at her, shouting Donchi kubeba!

‘Why don’t they leave, instead of waiting to be insulted?’ I wondered.

‘They’re hoping Mampi will come back,’ laughed Sara.

‘You starving illiterate peasants!’ screamed Dollar, still pointing her finger at the crowd, ‘You will never get any development here until you join RB, the Royal Bedroom!’

‘Give us our chitenge,’ they shouted back, ‘we’re ready to go home!’

In reply she did a little dance, swinging round to show them her vast rump, decorated with a huge RB, around which was written Royal Bottom.

‘That looks like a rumbustious rump!’ I declared.

‘You Nsenga men,’ taunted Dollar, ‘Come and fondle my lovely bums! Let’s see what you are capable of!’

But the men fell backwards, as if repelled by this moving mountain of pulsating flesh. ‘Ha ha, you useless men, you can’t do anything!’ she cackled.

‘I thought these Nsenga men appreciated a dancing derriere,’ I laughed.

‘A fully mature female Nsenga bum is reckoned to have 134 muscles, and is capable of dancing to 24 different tunes simultaneously,’ Sara explained. ‘But Dollar has an uneducated Ngoni bum which is over-matured, over-weight and over-used. It has become flaccid and droopy, and quite out of control.’

‘Doesn’t Dollar know this?’

‘Of course not,’ laughed Sara.

‘Why not?’ I wondered.

‘She’s drunk,’ said Sara.

‘The only way to become prosperous is to touch the Royal Bottom!’ declared Dollar. ‘Only by voting for the Movement for Moral Decay can you enter the Royal Bedroom, and join the ruling class in the endless pleasure of feasting, merrymaking and fornication.’

‘Sounds like a good deal,’ I said. ‘Maybe I’ll vote for them.’

‘Shut up and listen,’ said Sara. ‘This is something new. It sounds like the MMD has at last developed vision and strategy.’

‘The only way Eastern Province can take over the whole country is by strategic fornication,’ Dollar declared, as she caressed her own bums lovingly, having failed to find anybody to assist her in this fairly innocent sexual pleasure. ‘We women must go out there and seduce men from other provinces. As their families have to adopt our muchigololo, so we easterners shall infiltrate their families, and the Royal Bottom of Nsengaland will begin to waggle throughout the Land of Zed.’

‘And you men must go out and impregnate the wives and daughters of foreign tribes, so that we infiltrate their families with our Royal Bottoms, and unity in the east will become the unity of the nation. But you dried up men are too lazy and impotent to join the Men for Massive Deflowering. Even my own miserable husband, when he looked at my vast beauty, the poor man would just collapse and shrivel to nothing!’

‘He was scared of suffocating between her huge breasts,’ laughed Sara.

‘Or having his bits bitten by her barbaric bottom,’ I suggested.

‘That is why our beloved Father of the Nation is working every day at his duty of fathering the nation, because you dried-up men do not have the courage to rise to the occasion. If you do not give him some assistance, he may have to send out the Red-Lipped Snake to sneak under blankets and deliver the royal donation!’

At this the women screamed and began to flee, but Tujilijili went on regardless. ‘Let me now see if you men are ready to join the Royal Bedroom, and deliver the royal donation. Let me see if you can be aroused!’

So saying she undid the knot on her chitenge wrapper and cast it aside, revealing all. But instead of rushing forward to fondle her many dangling extremities and attributes, the men all screamed and ran off into the bush.

She stood there naked, shouting ‘Am I not beautiful? Are you all homosexual?’

But there was nobody left to answer. Even the camera crew must have fled, because at this point the screen went blank.

‘Their election strategy is hopelessly and laughably counterproductive,’ I cackled. ‘All the voters are completely repelled, and have fled into the arms of Cycle Mata.’

‘On the contrary,’ replied Sara, ‘Dollar has a very shrewd strategy which will prove most effective.’

‘How do you work that one out?’ I sneered.

‘It’s quite simple,’ said Sara calmly. ‘By the end of September, all of these jokers will have been arrested and charged with corruption and abuse of office!’


‘Dollar will plead not guilty by reason of insanity!’

‘Marvellous!’ I laughed. ‘An unarguable defence! She has already proved her case! Another nolle prosequi!’


  1. Simply put...classic...pure classic...

  2. well thought and hilarious! From Germany

  3. LOL. Kalaki Kalaki Kalaki you bastard. very funny indeed

  4. Very dirty piece of work, but still hilarious....

  5. King of political satire!!tear jerking stuff as always!!Hope you go on forever!!

  6. lol ! am loving this!!!

  7. LOL yaba ba kilaki classic!!!

  8. incredible satire!

  9. Thank you for sharing this interesting issue in terms of sexual abuse! I heard this issue before but it's not yet proven right? So we shouldn't jump into a conclusion!

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