Blood in the Bathroom

Blood in the Bathroom

Michael Pistorius, Defendant: My Lady, I heard a noise from the bathroom, I thought somebody was climbing in through the bathroom window.

Kalaki Nel, Prosecutor: Why should anybody want to climb in through your bathroom window?

Michael: My Lady, so many people wanted to kidnap my girlfriend, the beautiful Constitution. My lady, I had sworn to protect my Constitution, but I had enemies who wanted to abduct her and misuse and abuse her. So when I heard a noise from the bathroom, My Lady, I was terrified. In the pitch black of the night, I picked up my gun, then picked up my legs, and moved stealthily to the bathroom.

Kalaki Nel: Mr Pistorius, who are these enemies you are so afraid of?

Michael: They are so many, My Lady. But the worst is Technical Committee. He has sworn to steal my Constitution from me, and subject her to his will and base lusts and desires, and to turn her into his slave. My Lady, I had to protect my beautiful Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And tell, Mr Pistorius, why were you so in love with your Constitution?

Michael: My lady, when I am with my Constitution I am a real man. She gives me my power. With my beautiful Constitution everybody looks up to me, I command the universe, and people obey my every command. This Technical Committee wanted to steal my power.

Kalaki Nel: So now, without your Constitution, you are a broken man?

Michael: Yes, My Lady. (Sobs for a couple of minutes into his handkerchief)

Kalaki Nel: OK, so now you reach for your gun and make for the bathroom. Was Constitution lying on the bed?

Michael: No, My Lady, she was not on the bed.

Kalaki Nel: Ha ha, how do you know that? You said the night was pitch black!

Michael: She always slept under the bed, My Lady, she was so afraid of Technical Committee.

Kalaki Nel: So did you look under the bed to check if she was there?

Michael: Yes, My Lady. But I couldn’t see her because the night was pitch black.

Kalaki Nel: So you went to the bathroom door and fired four shots straight through it.

Michael: Yes, My Lady. I had to protect my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Did anybody scream?

Michael: Yes My Lady, I screamed because I was terrified. Then I screamed at Constitution to phone the Panga Force on 991. But she didn’t reply. It was then that I became terrified that I had shot my beloved Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Then you went and got your panga and hacked a hole in the door, only to find our beautiful Constitution blown to pieces, with blood all over the bathroom floor.

Now a court official obligingly placed a green plastic bucket in front of Michael, so that he could have a prolonged vomit. After he had finally recovered himself the cross-examination continued…

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you have misled this court. I put it to you that our beloved Constitution did not come to your house of her own free will, but you kidnapped her and brought her to your house.

Michael: No, My Lady, it’s not true. I always respected my beloved Constitution, she came to my house to give me a Valentine’s present.

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you wanted an opportunity to accuse her of breaking her promises to you. You were jealous because she had left you and was instead dating Technical Committee. And you were also in a rage because Technical Committee had transformed her by the power of love. She was so now so beautiful and so admired by everybody that she became known as People’s Constitution. But you were so jealous that you kidnapped her, to get her back.

Michael: It’s not true, My Lady. I never kidnapped her. She came to visit me because she loved me.

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you had a shouting match with Constitution that night, because you had fallen into a jealous rage after she left you for Technical Committee. When she refused to come back to you, you threatened her with a gun.

Michael: No, My Lady. That was not possible. I loved my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And when she tried to run away from you, and locked herself in the bathroom, you fired through the door and murdered her.

Michael: (Head in hands, sobbing) No, no, no, My Lady. I thought I was protecting my beloved Constitution from Technical Committee who had come to abduct her.

Kalaki Nel: No, no, no! It seems that everything is no, Mr Pistorius! But perhaps on one thing we can agree: The People’s Constitution is now dead.

Michael: (Now slowly looking up towards the judge) Yes, My Lady, on that we can agree. The People’s Constitution is now dead.

Kalaki Nel: And you murdered her.

Michael: No, My Lady, it was an accident.

PUBLIC ALERT: PEOPLE'S CONSTITUTION

Office of the Public Protector

PUBLIC ALERT

Theft of the People’s Constitution

INFORMATION TO THE PUBLIC:  This notice serves to put the nation on public alert that the People’s Constitution has been stolen. This theft was perpetrated by persons as yet unknown, but known to be purposely acting against the will of the people with a view to usurping legitimate government.

CALL TO ACTION: This information is therefore a call to action to prevent the completion of a coup d’etat, where a small group of criminals are attempting to capture state power in order to distribute state resources entirely amongst themselves.

DUTY TO SEARCH: In order to avert this constitutional crisis, all citizens are called upon to conduct a national search to find the missing People’s Constitution.

NEED TO EXCLUDE INVESTIGATORY AGENCIES: Unfortunately the existing state investigatory agencies cannot be called upon to participate in this search, since there is a strong possibility that the coup d’etat process is already in the process of taking place, so that these agencies must be presumed to be already taking orders from the perpetrators of the theft.

PLACES TO SEARCH:  Given the nature of the crime, the first places to search are the grounds, homes and offices of rogue government officials, who are the prime suspects in this crime. Since the intention of the thieves is to bury the People’s Constitution, the first search priority should be large government lawns, especially those along Independence Avenue, which should be systematically dug up.     

ORGANISATION OF THE SEARCH: The search is being organized by the Church, where plans are communicated by whispering during Sunday morning prayers. Under no circumstances should you use cell-phones or e-mail to discuss search organization, since it must be assumed that all electronic means of communication are controlled by the gang of thieves.

ACTION IF FOUND:  In the event that you find the People’s Constitution, you should under no account take it to your local police station, where you would be arrested for theft. You should instead take the Constitution to your nearest Catholic Church, or otherwise give it to the Bishop of your diocese.

APPREHENSION OF SUSPECTS:  In the event that you identify suspects on whose property the People’s Constitution was found, do not attempt to apprehend the suspects or to take them to the police station or to bring them before a court of law. Due to the current undermining of legitimate authority by rogue elements within government, these institutions are not employed to protect people from criminals, but instead are employed to protect criminals from the people. A document setting out the people’s rights is therefore a direct challenge to their authority.

ROADMAP FOR RETURN TO LEGITIMATE GOVERNMENT:  Since the Church is now the only remaining venue for the voice of the people to be heard, the People’s Constitution will be put to a referendum by public acclamation at church meetings to be held on the Sunday after the People’s Constitution has been restored to the people.  

PENALTIES FOR THE THEFT: Once the People’s Constitution has been approved, and legitimate government restored, all the people suspected of the earlier theft of the People’s Constitution will be charged with treason in the newly established Court of the People.

Signed: 

Archbishop Spectator Kalaki

Public Protector.

Action Man in Brussels

Action Man in Brussels

            I know you’re all waiting to hear the news of what I’ve been doing in Brussels, and how I am representing my country at the centre of power of the European Union. George Chellah is supposed to be giving you all the news on the ‘His Excellency’ page, but he hasn’t written anything for the past three days. He went shopping with Christine on Saturday and I haven’t seen either of them since. Anyway, his stories are all fake, he just makes them up.

          So I thought, as your Action Man, I should just do the job myself and tell you what’s going on here. All the members of my official delegation are completely useless. That’s why we got here three days to early, they got the dates mixed up. My press aide is particularly useless, even by the prevailing standards of uselessness. But don’t worry, despite all this, your Action Man has been very active, and will tell you what is happening.

          I am staying at a seedy little hotel in the centre of Brussels, called the Hotel Plaza, which has its front door right on the pavement, with no garden, no carpark, nothing except a rather smelly carpet in the foyer. How can an entire president be accommodated in such a place?

          And what is worse, the hotel is right next to the red light district. That’s why my security men disappeared on Saturday night and I haven’t seen them since. When I came down to breakfast this morning I was the only one in the dining room, apart from a disheveled travelling salesman from Malta and a family of Somalian refugees from Mogadishu. I know a lot about them because we are all sharing the same bathroom.

          I had come to scale the Summit of European power, but have fallen into this fusty smelly boarding house. But never mind, despite all this, I am here to represent the power and energy of the Zambian government. Your Action Man is here to put Brussels to rights.

          So I sat down and signaled a waiter to take my order for breakfast. He came over rather slowly and reluctantly and said ‘Yes, sir, is there a problem?’

          So I said to the insolent fellow, I said ‘Yes, you useless lumpen, there are two problems. Firstly I am My Excellency and you should address me as Your Excellency. And secondly you’re supposed to ask me what I want for breakfast.’

          ‘I’m sorry there seems to be some mistake,’ he answered, ‘I am not much interested in what you want for breakfast. That is entirely a matter for you to decide.’

          ‘Look here,’ I shouted, ‘How can you bring me my breakfast if you don’t know what I want?’

          ‘I’m sorry there seems to be some mistake,’ he repeated like a robot. ‘There is a selection of food on that long table over there and all you have to do is to go and select some for yourself. Here in Belgium we call it a buffet.’

          ‘What an insult to a person of my position!’ I shouted. ‘I am His Excellency, bring my breakfast!’

          ‘There seems to be some mistake,’ repeated the robot, ‘I only bring food in the case of physical disability or mental impairment. Do you have a medical certificate?’

          ‘Insolence!’ I shouted. ‘I’ve heard enough! I demand to see the Head Waiter!’

          ‘I am the Head Waiter,’ replied the robot.

          ‘Then bring me the Hotel Manager!’ I demanded.

          ‘I am also the Hotel Manager,’ he replied. ‘This is a small hotel.’

          This was when your Action Man swung into action, and spoke for the national interest. I marched straight down to the foyer to make some important announcements, as a small crowd gathered to watch a real Excellency taking command of a crisis situation.

          ‘The staff of this hotel are all useless. The waiter is useless. The Head waiter is useless. And the Hotel Manager is completely useless. They are all fired with immediate effect. In order to honour my promises to the people of Zambia to provide employment, the waiter will be replaced by twenty-five kaponya from Chawama. The government will set up a new Waiter Training College in Amsterdam to ensure proper training. I am hereby ordering my Minister of Finance to find the funds for a new road from Amsterdam to Brussels to facilitate travel from the college to the hotel. The Permanent Secretary of Muchinga Province is with immediate effect transferred to the Plaza Hotel as Managing Director, to be assisted by the entire PF provincial committee of Muchinga, who are all appointed Senior Hotel Managers. And just as the Congo was once a province of Belgium, I hereby declare that Brussels is now a province of Muchinga…’

          But as I was busy correcting the situation, into the foyer waltzed Christine and George. ‘What on Earth is this meeting all about?’ asked Christine.

          ‘I’m just preparing for the Summit by first sorting out this hotel,’ I explained.

          ‘I’ve just heard the Summit has been cancelled,’ said Christine. ‘Your friend Mugabe organized a boycott, nobody else is coming.’

          ‘Ha ha,’ I laughed, ‘nice try. But I had already noticed that today is April 1^st!’

Constitution! Constitution! Constoootion!

Constitution! Constitution! Constoootion!

          
                     ‘Now that you’ve finished your breakfast,’ said the Queen, as she peered over her copy of the Daily Nation which was propped up against the teapot, ‘Don’t forget to take your pills. The brown one is for your prostate, the yellow one for your kidneys, the green one for your blood pressure, the white one for your heart, and the bright red one is for your temper.’

          ‘I shall swallow them all,’ said His Excellency King Chumbu. ‘I have to keep fit and healthy in order to rule the nation!’

          ‘It says here,’ said the Queen, reading from the newspaper, ‘that the students are rioting again because they haven’t been paid their allowances.’

          ‘That reminds me,’ said the King, ‘that nephew of yours that got redirected from Yunza, what’s his name?’

          ‘Kakokotwa?’

          ‘Yes, him.  Is he still unemployed?’

          ‘Yes. For the past three years.’

          ‘I think I’ll make him the Governor of the Bank.’

          ‘Hah,’ laughed the Queen, ‘he can’t even understand simple arithmetic!’

          ‘Then I could make him my Ambassador to Peru!’

          ‘We don’t have an embassy in Peru!’

          ‘Then we must build one! I’ll ask old Uncle Alex to get another loan from the World Bank!’

          ‘It says here,’ said the Queen, pointing at her newspaper, ‘that yesterday parliament was surrounded by armed police and…’

          But just then the King’s phone rang. He rummaged for the phone in his dressing gown pocket. ‘Yes, you are speaking to His Excellency … What? … Chief Kukumukulu? … Escaped from his hut? … Then I order you to put the entire army on full alert! Declare a State of Emergency! Confiscate all bicycles!’ Then he turned back to the Queen, ‘You were saying something, Your Royal Highness?’

          ‘Yes, Your Excellency, I was just saying that parliament seems to be in a turmoil over the new…

          ‘But the phone rang again. ‘What? … Well arrest him! … ‘What for?  Just find an offence and charge him with it! … Search his house and find something! … Call in the Trumped Up Charges Commission!’

          He turned angrily to the Queen. ‘That’s the last time I’m putting one of your relatives in charge of the police. Let’s send them all to Peru! We’ll build a very big embassy!’

          ‘I was trying to tell you, dearest,’ said the Queen gently, ‘that parliament is up in arms, saying that you have swallowed the Constitution!’

          ‘Don’t you worry your little head about them, My Dearest Queen, that place is just an empty talking shop. I am the one in charge!’ So saying, he puffed out his little chest and declared ‘As the King I am supposed to swallow the Constitution. I am the Constitution! I have all the powers in my person!’

          ‘But parliament is saying that your powers are fading and you no longer have a strong Constitution,’ said the Queen, pointing at the newspaper. ‘This editorial says you are preoccupied with trivial issues while the country is going to rack and ruin. They want a new Constitution.’

          Now King Chumbu rose in all his fury and stood on his dining room chair, grandly addressing his empty dining room as if it were the entire world, and pointing to the various parts of his royal person to illustrate the parts of the Constitution. ‘With this brain, I am the Executive. With this Heart, I am the Judiciary! With this right arm I am the army! With this other arm I am the Panga Force! With this right foot, I am the Police Farce! With these eyes I am the Shushushu who peers into every bedroom. With this bladder I piss on all my critics! With this voice I speak for the people! With these boots I shall trample on this cheeky parliament…’

          But as he explained it all so eloquently to himself, a rising chant could be heard from the other side of the palace walls, ‘Constitution! Constitution! Constitution!’

          ‘But with your ears,’ said the Queen quietly, ‘you are unable to hear the voice of the people. Your Constitution is fading. You are losing control. You can’t even control the Paramount Chief Kukumukulu.’

          The King remained standing on his chair, addressing his invisible supporters. ‘I am the King. I am the State. My constitution is the State Constitution. I have all the powers!’

          But outside the chant grew louder as the protesters entered the palace grounds. ‘Constitution! Constitution! Constitution! We want a People’s Constitution! Not the King’s Constitution!’

          ‘I am the King,’ shouted the King, his eyes now bulging and his face turning purple. Then he fell down flat on the floor. His Constitution had collapsed.

          The Queen immediately summoned all the doctors and nurses who were always on hand to attend the ailing king. ‘The time has come,’ she told them, ‘for the operation.’

          When the king came round from the anesthetic he was covered in bandages and sustained by three different drips and a tube of oxygen. ‘It was a long transplant operation,’ the Queen whispered to him. ‘We have given you an ordinary people’s Constitution. That King’s Constitution has been removed, and turned into a book which explains the various responsibilities which will now be done by different people, because they were all too much for one man.’

          ‘So what job remains for me?’ asked the thin little voice of what remained of the King.

          ‘You will take the salute at all march-pasts,’ explained the Queen.

          ‘Will I have to hold press conferences?’

          ‘My poor dearest little Chumbu,’ she said, putting a kindly hand on his head, ‘even when you had all your powers, you were too frightened to hold a press conference.’  

         

           

A Strange King

            ‘Grandpa,’ said Nawiti, ‘Tell me a story about a bad king.’

          ‘Ha ha,’ I laughed, ‘That’s a good one! A king is always good because he tells you he is good and what he says is right because he is the king.’

          ‘That’s not right!’ said Nawiti, ‘I don’t believe you.’

          ‘Why don’t you believe me?’

          ‘Because you’re not the king!’ she laughed.

          ‘Let me tell you the story of a rather strange king. Hundreds of years ago the Kingdom of Zed had a very strange king called King Chumbu…’

          ‘Was he a bad king?’

          ‘I’ve told you, in those days all kings were good. What the king said and did was what was meant by the word ‘good’, and if anybody said or did anything different, that was bad!’

          ‘So did anybody dare to say or do anything different?’

          ‘Good gracious no. To say or do anything different would be to insult the king. In those days you would be thrown in jail for that! The king was like a little God. Every time he spoke, everybody had to shut up and listen. The king told everybody everything, but nobody could tell the king anything. Because he knew everything. Because he was the king!’

          ‘Nothing could be stranger than being a king,’ laughed Nawiti. ‘But why are you telling me that Chumbu was a strange king when they were all strange? Was he more strange than the others?’

          ‘King Chumbu was strange because, even by kingly standards, he used to do some very strange things.’

          ‘Such as what?’

          ‘One day he assembled all his ministers and told them to their faces that they were all fools!’

          ‘Oh dear,’ said Nawiti, ‘that was very bad.’

          ‘No,’ I said. ‘That was very good. He was trying to provoke them, to see if they would dare to answer him. But they all sat quiet.’

          ‘Very respectful,’ said Nawiti. ‘That was good.’

          ‘No, it was very bad,’ I said. ‘It showed the king that his ministers had no backbone or brains.’

          ‘Then the king began to worry that his people were too silent, too polite, and too respectful, and always waiting to be told what to do instead of having ideas of their own.’

          ‘Which was very bad,’ said Nawiti.

          ‘Yes,’ said, ‘But very good that Chumbu was worried about his people, because most kings only worry about themselves and their money.’

          ‘So what happened next?’

          ‘Something very strange happened. One man in the entire land showed a bit of courage. A man called Ha Ha stood up and told the king to stop insulting his people and behave like a king!’

          ‘Very bad,’ said Nawiti, ‘to talk to the king like that!’

          ‘But very good,’ I said, ‘that somebody could stand up to the king.’

          ‘Maybe people were now starting to laugh at the king?’ suggested Nawiti.

          ‘Very likely,’ I laughed. ‘But Chumbu didn’t seem to see the danger of his position. In those days, once you were a king you were always a king. And he was now beginning to enjoy himself.’

          ‘Oh dear,’ said Nawiti. ‘What did he do next?’

          ‘Chumbu insulted all the old men in the Land of Zed, saying their heads were bald, and the next time he saw a bald head he would chop it off!’

          ‘Which was a bad thing to say!’ said Nawiti.

          ‘That’s what Paramount Chief Kukuchikuku thought, and he loudly complained to all his Kuku people that he had been insulted. So the king laughed and sent his army to throw the chief out of the Palace of the Paramount Chief.

          ‘Then HaHa spoke up again and told the king to stop his silly quarrels and start governing the country, because while the king was busy talking nonsense there were foreigners who were stealing the gold and people who were starving.

          ‘Now the king was not used to be answered back, so this sensible advice sent him into a senseless rage, ranting that HaHa was just a nobody who knew nothing, and didn’t even know his own father!’

          ‘That was very bad,’ said Nawiti.

          ‘It was very bad indeed,’ I admitted, ‘because half the women in the country had brought up children without the help of the children’s fathers, who had a bad habit of running away. So the women’s leader, Gorgeous Grillo, gave the king a grilling, telling him that he had insulted all the women of the Kingdom of Zed.’

          ‘Now people were beginning to gang up on him,’ suggested Nawiti.

          ‘Exactly,’ I said. ‘These people had more brains and voice than the king had bargained for. They all converged on his palace and presented him with a piece of paper, called a constitution, setting out the Rules for the Proper Behaviour of a King.’

          ‘And did the king promise to behave himself?’

          ‘Not at all!’ I laughed. ‘He tore up the piece of paper and threw it out the window, then turned to them and asked Where is this constitution you people are talking about, I cannot see any such thing!’

          ‘So what did the people do then?’

          ‘They threw him out of the window so he could look for the constitution. Then they set up the Peoples Republic of Zed, ruled by the people themselves and without any need for a king.’

          ‘So was he a bad king?’ wondered Nawiti.

          ‘Not at all,’ I replied. ‘He was a very good king, because he was the one who brought democracy to the Land of Zed.’

          ‘Very strange,’ said Nawiti.

            

          

The Sinking of the Titanic

The Sinking of the Titanic

            ‘Grandpa,’ said Katendi suddenly, ‘Why did the Titanic sink?’

          ‘It hit an iceberg,’ I said.

          ‘Why did it hit the iceberg?’ she persisted.

          ‘Because the iceberg got in the way,’ I laughed.

          ‘Ho ho,’ she said, ‘Do you expect me to believe that that the person steering the iceberg wasn’t doing his job properly, and foolishly sailed the iceberg right in front of the pabwato? Don’t you think it’s more likely that the person who was supposed to be steering the Titanic wasn’t doing his job properly?’

          ‘Exactly,’ I said, ‘You’ve got it in one. That’s the answer.’

          ‘No it’s not,’ she persisted. ‘Why wasn’t he doing the job properly? Are you really trying to tell me that this huge liner, with a crew of a thousand, didn’t have somebody who could steer the boat properly? I mean, the iceberg was about a thousand times bigger than the boat. You might perhaps excuse the big iceberg for not noticing a little boat, but you can scarcely excuse the little boat for not noticing a huge iceberg.’

          ‘So you want the true story?’ I asked.

          ‘Yes,’ she said.

          ‘The story begins with the captain, Mr Cycle Mata. He had always wanted to be the captain of a big ship, but nobody would ever give him the job. Over a career of many years in many ships he had worked all the way up from able seaman to chief engineer, but the ship owners would never let him steer, let alone appoint him captain.’

          ‘Why not?’

          ‘Nobody’s quite sure, but some say he was entirely lacking in any sense of direction.’

          ‘So what did he do?’

          ‘He decided to build his own ship, and make himself the captain of it. And so, in the shipyards of Belfast he spent ten years building the biggest passenger liner the world had ever seen. When the Titanic set sail from Southampton on its maiden voyage it had two thousand passengers, whom he had promised to take to New York in only 90 hours. He was front page news all over the world.’

          ‘But he didn’t know how to steer the ship?’

          ‘That wasn’t his problem. He employed officers who could do all that. A man called Dotty Scotty was made Vice-Captain. He had a safe pair of hands, although they were a bit wobbly. But at least he knew the difference between north and south, port and starboard, matters that had always been a complete mystery to Cycle Mata. As Purser, Cycle Mata appointed Axe Chikwale, a man who knew how to squeeze money out of the rich first class passengers so that the Captain could live in luxury. Splinter Kapimbe was First Officer in charge of discipline. Second Officer GBM was the Great Banqueting Manager and Chipembele Kambilimbili was officer in charge of sport and entertainment.

          ‘So they all set sail for New York. What went wrong?’

          ‘Nothing went wrong. The whole system worked quite well, even though Cycle Mata never called any management meetings. He just dealt with his officers individually.’

          ‘His previous experience had been in the engine room.’

          ‘Exactly. So he’d never heard of a management meeting, he just gave orders.’

          ‘Without consensus, wasn’t he in danger of the others ganging up on him?’

          ‘He just demanded personal loyalty to himself.’

          ‘Didn’t it sometimes happen that some officers would suspect that one amongst them was more favoured, and others were being done down? Mutiny is always a danger on board ship!’

          ‘Cycle Mata was too smart for that. He would call officers into his cabin one at a time, and say to each of them My dear fellow, you are my favourite and preferred officer. You are like a son to me. You are my successor. When I retire you will be the Captain of the Ship. But don’t tell any of the others, or they might become jealous of you.’

          ‘And they all fell for that story?’ laughed Katendi.

          ‘Oh yes,’ I said. ‘Each of them had a very high opinion of themselves but a low opinions of the others, so each was very convinced that they were the natural choice as the next captain. So each of them greatly respected the Captain, calling him Your Excellency, and following behind like little dogs as His Excellency did his daily inspection of the deck, giving orders such as ‘Paint that rail! Clear those plates! Rearrange those deckchairs in straight lines!’

          ‘He was even concerned with the arrangement of the deckchairs!’ Katendi marvelled. ‘If he had everything under such control, what went wrong?’

          ‘Just one little thing went wrong. One day, during his morning inspection, His Excellency did not feel so excellent, and suddenly collapsed flat on the deck. Everybody thought he must be dead. But none of his officers had time to check because each had to quickly establish his position as the new captain. So each summoned his subordinates and organized to take control of the ship. One officer led his men to the bridge to control the wheel, and met several rival factions! Others ran to the purser’s office to secure the safe. The entire ship descended into complete and continuing chaos. The control room became a battleground as the engine ran full throttle. As the first class passengers hid in their cabins, the second class passengers looted the shops, the third class passengers feasted in the first class kitchen and the fourth class passengers were recruited into the rival armies of the rival officers.’

          ‘Then the ship hit the iceberg.’

          ‘Exactly,’ I replied.

Parliamentary Fraud

Department of Parliamentary Fraud

PROCUREMENT OF PARLIAMENTARY SEATS:

INVITATION TO TENDER

Introduction

By virtue of powers given under the Destruction of Parliament Act of 1823, and in conformity with the procedures of the Prostitutes Procurement Procedure of 1867, the Department of Parliamentary Fraud (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the PF) is hereby issuing this Invitation to Tender for the supply of Parliamentary Seats to the PF.

This Invitation to Tender is offered in pursuance of the PF Policy to extend development to those constituencies which previously refused to give their parliamentary seats to the PF. However, in its benevolent desire to develop all of the country, the PF is now undertaking a policy of buying these seats in order to end unnecessary division in the nation and to bring about peace, national unity and development to all constituencies.

A contract to supply a parliamentary seat to the ruling PF may be given to any opposition member of parliament where the tendered amount for selling the seat is deemed reasonable by the Procurement Atrocity, and where the opposition member (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the Prospective Supplier) meets the specifications set out hereinunder:

Goods and Personnel to be Supplied:

·      One green leather seat in parliament

·      One opposition member of parliament

·      At least one thousand opposition party defectors

It should be noted that opposition voters’ cards are considered an added advantage.

Description of Personal Services to be provided by the Prospective Supplier:

·      Standing as PF candidate*

·      Supervision of distribution of  brown envelopes, chitenge, mealie-meal, etc

·      Subversion of local chief

·      Supervision of party thugs

·      Distribution of pangas

·      Infiltration of local ECZ officials

* In the unlikely event of election failure, the Supplier would instead be offered the post of ambassador in a foreign mission.

Required Abilities and Qualifications of the Prospective Supplier:

·      Ability to lie without blinking

·      Ability to make speeches which repeat the words of the Party Leader

·      Ability to obey the Party Leader’s instructions without question or hesitation

·      Lack of any formal qualifications (exception will be made for forged certificates)

·      Lack of any political beliefs or principles

Note: To ensure equality of opportunity, literacy is not a requirement.

Undertakings to be made by a Prospective Supplier before signing of Contract:

The Supplier must undertake:

·      Never to contradict the Party Leader

·      Never to voice a personal opinion

·      Never to tell the truth, especially when under oath

·      To support the next Constitution, irrespective of its provisions

·      Always to vote in parliament according to party instructions

If the above Conditions are met, and if the Tendered Price is acceptable, the PF will contract to:

·      Supply from the Health Budget all funds necessary to buy votes

·      Send Dotty Scotty to the by-election to make false promises

·      Upon successful election, appoint the Supplier as a Deputy Minister

·      Provide a ministerial house with a minimum of twelve toilets

·      Provide a Landcruiser GX as person-to-holder

·      Provide immunity from investigation by ACC and DEC

·      Provide employment in foreign embassies for all of the Supplier’s children

Submission of Tender Documents:

Tender documents should include specifications of the seat being made available, the details of the Prospective Supplier as outlined above, and the price at which the seat is being offered. Documents should be posted within 90 days to:

Tender for Subverting Democracy

Department of Parliamentary Fraud (PF)

Former Anti-Corruption Commission

One-Party State Pilot Project

P.O. Box 666,

Lusaka.

Signed:

Splinter Kapimbe

General Secretary,

Parliamentary Fraud (PF)

On this Fifteenth Day of May 2013