Blood in the Bathroom

Blood in the Bathroom

Michael Pistorius, Defendant: My Lady, I heard a noise from the bathroom, I thought somebody was climbing in through the bathroom window.

Kalaki Nel, Prosecutor: Why should anybody want to climb in through your bathroom window?

Michael: My Lady, so many people wanted to kidnap my girlfriend, the beautiful Constitution. My lady, I had sworn to protect my Constitution, but I had enemies who wanted to abduct her and misuse and abuse her. So when I heard a noise from the bathroom, My Lady, I was terrified. In the pitch black of the night, I picked up my gun, then picked up my legs, and moved stealthily to the bathroom.

Kalaki Nel: Mr Pistorius, who are these enemies you are so afraid of?

Michael: They are so many, My Lady. But the worst is Technical Committee. He has sworn to steal my Constitution from me, and subject her to his will and base lusts and desires, and to turn her into his slave. My Lady, I had to protect my beautiful Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And tell, Mr Pistorius, why were you so in love with your Constitution?

Michael: My lady, when I am with my Constitution I am a real man. She gives me my power. With my beautiful Constitution everybody looks up to me, I command the universe, and people obey my every command. This Technical Committee wanted to steal my power.

Kalaki Nel: So now, without your Constitution, you are a broken man?

Michael: Yes, My Lady. (Sobs for a couple of minutes into his handkerchief)

Kalaki Nel: OK, so now you reach for your gun and make for the bathroom. Was Constitution lying on the bed?

Michael: No, My Lady, she was not on the bed.

Kalaki Nel: Ha ha, how do you know that? You said the night was pitch black!

Michael: She always slept under the bed, My Lady, she was so afraid of Technical Committee.

Kalaki Nel: So did you look under the bed to check if she was there?

Michael: Yes, My Lady. But I couldn’t see her because the night was pitch black.

Kalaki Nel: So you went to the bathroom door and fired four shots straight through it.

Michael: Yes, My Lady. I had to protect my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Did anybody scream?

Michael: Yes My Lady, I screamed because I was terrified. Then I screamed at Constitution to phone the Panga Force on 991. But she didn’t reply. It was then that I became terrified that I had shot my beloved Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Then you went and got your panga and hacked a hole in the door, only to find our beautiful Constitution blown to pieces, with blood all over the bathroom floor.

Now a court official obligingly placed a green plastic bucket in front of Michael, so that he could have a prolonged vomit. After he had finally recovered himself the cross-examination continued…

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you have misled this court. I put it to you that our beloved Constitution did not come to your house of her own free will, but you kidnapped her and brought her to your house.

Michael: No, My Lady, it’s not true. I always respected my beloved Constitution, she came to my house to give me a Valentine’s present.

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you wanted an opportunity to accuse her of breaking her promises to you. You were jealous because she had left you and was instead dating Technical Committee. And you were also in a rage because Technical Committee had transformed her by the power of love. She was so now so beautiful and so admired by everybody that she became known as People’s Constitution. But you were so jealous that you kidnapped her, to get her back.

Michael: It’s not true, My Lady. I never kidnapped her. She came to visit me because she loved me.

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you had a shouting match with Constitution that night, because you had fallen into a jealous rage after she left you for Technical Committee. When she refused to come back to you, you threatened her with a gun.

Michael: No, My Lady. That was not possible. I loved my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And when she tried to run away from you, and locked herself in the bathroom, you fired through the door and murdered her.

Michael: (Head in hands, sobbing) No, no, no, My Lady. I thought I was protecting my beloved Constitution from Technical Committee who had come to abduct her.

Kalaki Nel: No, no, no! It seems that everything is no, Mr Pistorius! But perhaps on one thing we can agree: The People’s Constitution is now dead.

Michael: (Now slowly looking up towards the judge) Yes, My Lady, on that we can agree. The People’s Constitution is now dead.

Kalaki Nel: And you murdered her.

Michael: No, My Lady, it was an accident.