Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Presidential Appointments

Presidential Appointments

The President was tired. He had spent a long day behind his desk, dealing with the long queue of job-seekers. He had done all he could to give them suitable jobs, sending the most crooked and dangerous as ambassadors to faraway places such as Outer Mongolia or Canada. But just as he thought his day’s work was done, and he was almost nodding off in his chair, he was jerked awake by a banging on the door. ‘Come in,’ he shouted, with some exasperation.
To his surprise, a donkey trotted into the room, stood in front of him and said ‘Hee haw!’ Even by the general standards of the queue of bootlickers, thought the President, this one looks particularly hopeless and dull. Perhaps he could send the poor fellow to Malawi.
‘Yes,’ said the President, what can I do for you?’
‘I am Due Process,’ said the donkey.
‘So what job do you want?’ asked the President wearily.
‘I want to be the supervisor of all your ministers and permanent secretaries,’ declared the donkey, ‘to make sure that they follow all the correct rules and procedures.’
‘What!’ shouted the President, rousing himself from his chair and chasing the cheeky donkey out of the room, ‘That’s my job! I’m the one to supervise the government! Get out!’
As the donkey’s hooves clattered down the corridor, the President returned to find a huge fish eagle perched on a chair.
‘And who do you think you are?’ shouted the President.
‘I am a legal eagle,’ said the fish eagle solemnly. ‘My name is Rule of  Law, and it is my job to make sure that the law is administered fairly, without any witchhunting or favouritism, or bribing of the judiciary.’
‘Unless you’re interested in prosecuting my enemies,’ sneered the President, as he opened the French window wide, ‘you’d better look for a job elsewhere!’
But as the legal eagle flew out, in walked another strange bird. An ostrich! ‘Jesus wept!' screamed the President. ‘What do you want? All the jobs are filled for today! Get out!’
‘My name is Transparency,’ said the ostrich calmly. ‘My job is to look at everything your government is doing. With my huge transparent eyes and long neck, I can look into every nook and cranny to make sure you are doing what is required by Due Process and Rule of Law.’
The President stood there with the French window still open. ‘Your two friends have already left,’ he said sarcastically, ‘so I suggest that you follow them. And quick! Before I call security!’
The President now slumped back into his seat, thoroughly exhausted. ‘My God,’ he sighed to himself, ‘All the years I sought this job, never realizing what was involved.’ He closed his eyes and thought back to happier times, when he was unemployed.
Then he heard a loud snort. He opened one eye. There was a huge elephant. ‘My name is Old Constitution,’ said the elephant sternly, ‘and I am here to make sure that you keep your oath of office, and do all the things that I tell you to do, and none of the things that I tell you not to do!’
‘Get out of here!’ screamed the President, as he leapt on his desk and began prodding the elephant with the national flag. ‘I’ve set up a commission of inquiry to investigate you. You can’t come here while you are under investigation! The commission has been asked to report on how to reduce your power and size so that you never again try to throw your weight about! Get out!’
The President felt a satisfying feeling of Presidential power as Old Constitution suddenly disappeared from the scene. But worse was to come. As the President was still standing on his desk, a huge crocodile came out from underneath, and opened its jaws wide.
‘Who are you?’ said the President bravely. ‘Are you Freedom of Information? Gender Equality? Accountability? I don’t fear any of you! I’m the President! I’m the one in charge! Go away! Get out!’
‘My name is Corruption,’ laughed the crocodile. ‘And I am going to eat you up!’
‘I chased all the other animals,’ sneered the President. ‘Now it’s your turn!’
‘Ha ha,’ laughed he crocodile, ‘you don't seem to realise your problem. It’s because you chased away my enemies, Due Process, the Rule of Law and Transparency, that you’ve now got me, Corruption, instead.’
But as the President looked down into the beguiling hypnotic eyes of the crocodile he began to feel dizzy, and lost his balance. He felt himself falling down, down, down into the throat of the crocodile…

‘Aaarrgh!’ The President woke up with a start and sat bolt upright in the bed, immediately waking up the First Lady. ‘Another bad dream, darling?’
‘I’ve just been swallowed by a crocodile! Assassinated!’
His wife calmly took his pulse and temperature. ‘Don’t worry dear, you’re definitely still alive. So you haven’t been assassinated! It must have been a bad dream.’
The President threw his arms around her neck. ‘You don’t know what it was like!’ he sobbed. ‘There were all these terrible animals. Due Process! Rule of Law! Transparency! I was so frightened!’
‘Don’t worry, my dear,’ she said gently, as she patted his little fat belly. ‘Those are all mythical animals. They’re only seen in dreams. They don’t exist in real life! Nobody worries about them!’
‘But what about the crocodile?’
‘Oh he’s real enough,’ she agreed. ‘But don’t worry, I can inoculate you against him!’ So saying, she took a syringe out of her bag and gave him a jab.
‘Don’t worry dear, now you’ve got immunity!’
After that, the President was reassured. He went back to sleep with a smile on his face. He knew that he was now safe.
But was he?


  1. Thats Spectator KALAKI FOR YOU LOL!.

  2. wow is that a three headed beast? this picture portrays a wrong perception on zambia as christian nation

  3. hehehe hope kalaki keeps posting here n he wont be deported..

  4. Is this about Zambia or USA ? Fabulous essay......right on!

  5. Why do people read satire articles and then shower their religious fervor over everything? Come on guys, this is a joke, it is meant for you to read in between the lines. If Satire offends you stop reading it.

    Good work Kalaki, this had me laughing.