Tuesday, June 21, 2011

He Died for Us

He Died for Us
The bishop stood at the lectern and solemnly opened the Bible, saying ‘I shall base my eulogy this morning on Mathew Chapter 19, Verses 23-24:
‘Then Jesus said unto his disciples Verily I say unto you, a rich man shall hardly enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. And again I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God.’
Now the bishop lifted his eyes to the packed cathedral. ‘I read this passage from the Holy Bible because I think it explains the life of the man we are burying today, our departed Great Leader Kafupi Mupupu.’
The bishop now left the lectern, walked slowly down to the front of the aisle, and placed his hand upon the small coffin. ‘Our departed leader was a Great Christian, whose life’s work was devoted to ensuring that his people should enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
‘But he was much troubled by the wealth, greed and materialism of his people, and realized that they were destined for Hell unless they changed their evil ways. So he took it upon himself to reduce his people to poverty so that they might enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
‘And so he set about reducing the number of factories producing unnecessary commodities. For example he closed all the factories producing clothes, which are an unnecessary luxury in a warm country. In this way he reduced the number of people in employment, so that people had less money to waste on sinful activities.
‘In short, Kafupi’s policy was to remove the money from people’s pockets, so that they should not suffer the embarrassment of the overloaded camel.
‘And of course this was a difficult policy, for people do not always appreciate money being taken from their pockets. But it is here we have to realize that God, in his wisdom, had chosen a Great Leader. For Kafupi had a very engaging and charismatic personality, and a merry twinkle in his eye, and a marvelous sense of humour, so that people were able to laugh all the way to poverty.
‘And there was another thing. The Lord in his wisdom had provided Kafupi with extraordinarily long fingers, so that while people were being mesmerized by his fantastic conversation, he could slip his long fingers into their pockets without them even noticing. And this was a much more benevolent form of government than in other countries, where leaders would mesmerize you with their eyes while they slipped a knife between your ribs.
‘But some people still complained, saying It is all very well for us to be poor in order to get into Heaven, but we are living lives of long misery, waiting our turn to be called by the Lord.
‘But Kafupi was a listening leader, and he heard the cry of the people. So he took all the money out of the national pension fund, so that people could go to Heaven earlier. And he removed the doctors and medicines from the hospitals, so that people need not linger unnecessarily long before ascending to Paradise.
‘And still other people complained, saying Kafupi has taken our money for himself, and has bought himself six Mercedes and twenty Rolex watches and five hundred suits and a thousand pairs of shoes and five thousand monogrammed shirts. He has bought more bling bling than can be carried by a hundred camels.
‘But others defended the Great Leader, saying He is dressing up in this ridiculous bling bling to show us the absurdity and sinfulness of wealth, so that we can appreciate the decency and holiness of poverty.
‘For they had understood that Our Great Leader had accumulated all this wealth to take away our sins from us, and carry our sins on his shoulders, that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Truly he is our Saviour, who has died for us.’
Now the Bishop looked sorrowfully at the congregation. ‘And now that our Great Leader has been taken away by the Lord, who now will remain to show us the sinfulness and laughable absurdity of theft and wealth?
‘And I have the answer for you here today. We are going to build the Great Museum of Kafupi Bling Bling, as a memorial to him, full of suits and shoes and other useless paraphernalia, as a public warning against wanton kleptomania.
‘But others amongst you might say, how will Kafupi, who accumulated so much wealth, manage to pass through the eye of the needle? But I say unto you, Kafupi was a wise man, and only spent half of his wealth on bling bling. The other half was given to the Church, so that God might build him a house in Heaven.
‘And now, as the pall bearers lift the coffin to take Kafupi to his final resting place in the Bling Bling Mausoleum, I ask you all to stand up and sing Hymn No. 109, sung to the tune of Glory be to Jesus:
Glory to Kafupi
Who in bitter love
Took from us our money
With orders from above

Sing to God your praises
For Kafupi’s purse
Louder still and louder
Never pause to curse

Some did cry for vengeance
Pleading to the skies
But our dear Kafupi
For our pardon cries

Grace and life eternal
In Heaven we shall find
Blest be his corruption
Infinitely kind

Thanks to our Kafupi
For our poverty
Got us into Heaven
For eternity


  1. kalaki my father you are right.may the good Lord bless you in all what you are doing.

  2. SHAMEFUL, utterly SHAMEFUL!!!

    There was a time when kalaki's korner was what i looked forward to every Thursday, but now all i read is another PF advocate with a platform for his opinions.

    Gone is the natural good humour that laced this wonderful creation in the days of its youth only to leave the bitterness of old age (in poverty i might add)

  3. i surely hope KALAKI that kumwenu tamufwa,in Africa we do not make fun of the dead.

  4. Few can equal your writing skills ba Kalaki. They're angelic. Concerning President Chiluba you know better that he did not operate with a brain of his own.

    Firstly, he was a handpicked man with a clean life unlike most who formed the top brass of MMD. That's why when he got into office many treated him with disrespect, like he was their boy. Along the way he started fighting back & made super enemies with many of them. Not surprising the vengeance that came after he left office. The man had no peace.

    Secondly and more importantly concerns the "donor" community: IMF, World Bank, Some Western Countries, etc. They had a script already laid out for the post UNIP party to implement. They called it Structural Adjustment Program (SAP). FTJ had to implement it by the book -or else... He had a "great" economist by the name of Ronald Penza, who was later voted the best finance minister in Africa -simply because he knew how to follow the script.

    SAP is largely is where our economic problems descend from, none of FTJ's idea. Yes he had his weaknesses but they're nothing compared to the real source of the problems around us. Let's give our late President some honor & sympathy for matters he was powerless to frame in his own way. MHSRIEP.

  5. i agree, stop messing around with ftj. am not a fan of his, but as a human, he deserves better

  6. Every leader is placed in the leadership position by God himself, regardless of how/what they are. We are not any perfect, are we? Judgment should be God's preserve.

  7. There is no need for God to judge Chiluba. We have judged him ourselves. He was a thief who stole from innocent Zambians. When Zambians lost their jobs and died of depression, this man was busy buying shoes and Chinese suits. What was more disheartening was that he never ever felt remorseful for his sins. Even God is not so stupid to forgive a sinner who doesn't apologise to his neighbor. Let us not cheat ourselves. Chiluba should be destined to hell.

  8. Fortunately or unfortunately, there is no burning hell (Jesus himself was once in hell!Acts 2:31 King James Version). Chiluba is resting from his labors, undisturbed.Sorry you cant get your sweet revenge.

  9. Anonymous Kafupi was a public figure, we can eulogies him all we want. He affected our lives in many ways, and dead or alive we can discuss him/ satirize him. If in africa we dont make fun of the dead, how come we speak of Mabutu, Sani Abacha, Hitler, Stanlin... the list is endless. By the way Kalaki has been in Zambia probably longer than you have been and so when you say Kumwenu this is his home. Good one Kalaki keep the fire Buring. Sorry I had to post as anonymous struggling to create my Id

  10. 'In Africa We do not make fun of the dead'!...My God (?)! Africa does not have a single culture. Neither does Zambia. So please learn to speak for yourself! The departed Chiluba was our President and he swore to respect and live by our laws! Unfortunately he never did so. It is only fair that he is judged by the standards of our laws either through satire or any other means of communication. I wonder why someone with high strung sensibilities and a very thin skin should even bother to visit uncle Kalaki's place of refuge! Finally my dear, there is nothing mysterious about death or dead people. It is a fact of life. Here today. Gone tomorrow.

  11. Kalaki keep it up. We should know that the things we do while alive will follow us to our graves. The man was a .....who did more harm to us than good

  12. ...well well...what can we say about him other than bicker? others had a fair life under him and some of the others did not...let him rest in peace c'mon guys... ali miletelako ama marco polo, ninshi mwa belesha ubz iya 6 days ulo lelefye bus pakuti ufike ku Lusaka...mambala iwe!!!