Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The End of the World

The End of the World

'The First Lesson this morning,' intoned the priest, 'is taken from the Gospel according to St Kalaki, Chapter 27 Verses 12-37.'

In those days the people were sore oppressed by the cruel King Nyamasoya, But the Lord heard the prayers of the people, and sent the Prophet Pong Mpongo to give them a Great Prophecy.

When the Prophet Mpongo appeared from the Great Forest of Kafulafuta he had a wild beard and unwashed appearance. But the fears of the people were soon allayed because his words had a celestial sweetness, arising from his long years in the forest eating nothing but honey and dictionaries, preparing himself for his brief appearance in the scriptures.

'Verily I say unto you,' began the Prophet, 'the End of this World is nigh.'

Now the people were sore afraid, saying one to another 'Oh dear, how soon is nigh?'

'Fear not,' replied the Prophet, 'for ye shall experience a Great Rapture and shall ascend into Heaven. But King Nyamasoya and all his Court of Bootlickers shall face Judgment Day and afterwards shall be consigned to Hell.'

On hearing the prophecy the people were overcome with joy, dancing and chanting 'Serve the bastard right!' But others amongst them were doubtful, saying 'You are just the Prophet but where is our Saviour?'

Upon hearing this question the Prophet Mpongo drew in a great breath and declared with heavenly and prophetic conviction 'There cometh one after me the latchet of whose shoes I am unworthy to unloose.'

And sure enough it came to pass as the Prophet had foretold. For the very next day there appeared in their midst a man from Mpika, a small village north of Galilee, who announced himself by saying 'I am your Saviour Cycle Mata, come to rescue you from the ungodly Nyamasoya!'

Then the people were mighty mystified, and shouted at him, saying 'We were expecting a young man, but you have completed your three score years and ten. You are just a recycled leader, coming here every year with a different message.'

But the Saviour answered them, saying 'Previously I have spoken with many voices, but now I have found my true voice, and all that I now speak shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.'

But the Pharisees were doubtful, saying unto him 'How can we believe this? Where does this new voice come from?'

And Cycle Mata, having been made Saviour, now had answers for everybody, saying unto them 'After so many years of trying different voices, I have found my true voice. I just listen to the needs and suggestions of the people, and then I voice their concerns. I am the Voice of the People.'

And the people marveled, saying one to another 'At last the old man has found wisdom, for we the people are the Children of God, and the Voice of the People is the Voice of God. So Cycle Mata is truly our Saviour.'

Now the newly appointed Saviour climbed up Mount Sinai and spoke unto a great multitude which stretched from Antioch in the north to Aquabah in the south, saying to the people that 'King Nyamasoya is living in a Heaven of luxury and plenty. By stealing our wealth he has cast his people into poverty and starvation.'

When he heard report of these words Nyamasoya was sore annoyed, saying that all the disciples of the Saviour were men, and that they were all sleeping together in the Garden of Gethsemani, a despicable act of pornography in the sight of the Lord. But when the people heard this they were roused to a great anger against the King for insulting their Saviour.

And so the Saviour again addressed the multitude, saying that a king who annoyed his people would be swept from power, his world would end, and he would go to Hell.

But the King was not afraid of such threats, saying that his palace was on top of Mount Arafat where the people could not reach. Scorning them, the King declared that they should ask their God to perform one of his miracles, so that they could sail their fishing boats across the desert if they wanted to attack Mount Arafat.'

Now the Lord their God, being aroused to righteous fury at hearing his mighty powers being challenged by a mere mortal, immediately conjured up a great flood out of thin air.

And so the people sailed across the desert, all except for the Saviour, who walked across the water. And when they reached the palace they all shouted together 'We want Change', and the walls of the palace fell down, for the Voice of the People is the Voice of God.

And the day that the boats sailed across the desert to Mount Arafat became known as the Day of Pabwato. And the next day, when the people walked into the palace and entered Heaven, became known as the Day of Rapture.

And seven days later came the Day of Judgment, when the king was brought before the six judges that he had previously corrupted, and was therefore immediately convicted of corruption.

And so the King was sent to Hell, which was the name given to the horrible prison that he had built specially for his enemies.

The priest now looked up from the Good Book. 'In this lesson, the Lord shows us how to bring an end to the world of dictatorship.'

'The way I remember the story,' I said to Sara, 'the Saviour got crucified.'

'The Good Book', said Sara, 'is full of different stories.'


  1. u jst know how to put ur satire in order very ineteresting