Friday, September 10, 2010


[Kalaki was recently asked to write the script for some five minute TV skits. This is one of his efforts...]

SCRIPT for TV Skit

TITLE: The Last Viewer


CHARACTERS: TV News Announcer, reporters, interviewees.

SITUATION: A newscast, with presenter at news desk, with notice at his side saying ‘MUVI TV NEWS’. The news presenter is evidently in the middle of the news, since there is no introduction to the news.



Newscaster: State House has announced that tomorrow will be a day of national mourning for the late Mr Kukhulu Pirika of Katete, who has died aged ninety-two. Mr Pirika was famous as the last surviving viewer of Zambia National Bootlicking Television.

Sources close to the family of Mr Pirika have revealed that the veteran TV viewer had been deaf and paralysed for the past five years of his life, and this may explain why he had never transferred his allegiance to MUVI TV.

I now hand you over to our reporter Kafunsa Mafunso, who has asked government officials about the implications of this sad development.

The scene now switches to the luxurious office of the DG of Bootlicking Television, with the DG lounging back in his luxurious leather office chair…

Kafunso Mafunso: Mr Panda Kanthu, as Director General of Bootlicking TV, how do you feel about the sad departure of your last viewer?

Mr Panda Kanthu: All I can say is that the entire station has been left feeling empty and purposeless ever since our famous lone viewer was taken from us. But the news has been rather delayed, because Mr Pirika actually died on 14th December last year.

Kafunso Mafunso: Last year! Then why was the death only announced this morning?

Mr Panda Kanthu: I am not in a position to comment on official matters of state. You’d better ask the Honorable Minister of Misinformation and Propaganda.

Now the scene changes to Kafunso Mafunso holding the microphone in front of the Minister

Kafunso Mafunso: Mr Shikashiwa, can you confirm reports that Mr Pirika, the last known viewer of Bootlicking Television, actually died last December. And if so, why has the announcement been delayed?

Rotten Shikashiwa: You should know that there is no way I can be expected to comment on information which is sensitive and borders on issues of national security. This is why you journalists in the independent press are now facing statutory regulation!

However, the intrepid Kafunso Mafunso is undeterred, and now tries the same question on the Minister of Miscommunication, who was caught walking out of the Ministry HQ.

Kafunso Mafunso: Honorable Lunglunglunglungwa, as, Minister of Miscommunication, do you have any explanation as to why government has delayed news of the death of Mr Pirika for over seven months.

Mr Hefty Lunglunglunglwanga: You journalists are always trying to read sinister conspiracy into simple and straightforward matters. News of Mr Pirika’s death was delayed merely to give government time to employ RB Capital Partners to carry out a valuation of Bootlicking TV, pending privatisation.

Kafunso Mafunso: And has the valuation now been completed?

Mr Hefty Lunglunglunglungwa: Yes, the company was found to have assets of five hundred houses, nine hundred motor vehicles, and one TV camera. On the other hand it had liabilities of 300 billion, as monies owed to ZESCO customers for paying for a service they never received. Accordingly, Bootlicking TV had been valued at ten kwacha.

Kafunso Mafunso: So will it now be privatised?

Mr Hefty Lunglunglunglungwa: I’m amazed that you young journalists are so out of date. It is now three weeks since Bootlicking TV was bought by Libyan Lies Ltd, which has undertaken to make His Excellency Loopy Vuvuzela Nyamsoya just as popular as President Muamar Gadaffi.

Now the picture returns to the newscaster, sitting at his desk in the newsroom.

Newscaster: And here is a late news item just received from State House: His Excellency Mr Loopy Vuvuzela Nyamasoya, Commander in Chief and Father of the Nation, has just left for a six month working holiday at his new holiday villa in Libya.

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