He Died for Us

He Died for Us

The bishop stood at the lectern and solemnly opened the Bible, saying ‘I shall base my eulogy this morning on Mathew Chapter 19, Verses 23-24:

‘Then Jesus said unto his disciples Verily I say unto you, a rich man shall hardly enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. And again I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God.’

Now the bishop lifted his eyes to the packed cathedral. ‘I read this passage from the Holy Bible because I think it explains the life of the man we are burying today, our departed Great Leader Kafupi Mupupu.’

The bishop now left the lectern, walked slowly down to the front of the aisle, and placed his hand upon the small coffin. ‘Our departed leader was a Great Christian, whose life’s work was devoted to ensuring that his people should enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

‘But he was much troubled by the wealth, greed and materialism of his people, and realized that they were destined for Hell unless they changed their evil ways. So he took it upon himself to reduce his people to poverty so that they might enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

‘And so he set about reducing the number of factories producing unnecessary commodities. For example he closed all the factories producing clothes, which are an unnecessary luxury in a warm country. In this way he reduced the number of people in employment, so that people had less money to waste on sinful activities.

‘In short, Kafupi’s policy was to remove the money from people’s pockets, so that they should not suffer the embarrassment of the overloaded camel.

‘And of course this was a difficult policy, for people do not always appreciate money being taken from their pockets. But it is here we have to realize that God, in his wisdom, had chosen a Great Leader. For Kafupi had a very engaging and charismatic personality, and a merry twinkle in his eye, and a marvelous sense of humour, so that people were able to laugh all the way to poverty.

‘And there was another thing. The Lord in his wisdom had provided Kafupi with extraordinarily long fingers, so that while people were being mesmerized by his fantastic conversation, he could slip his long fingers into their pockets without them even noticing. And this was a much more benevolent form of government than in other countries, where leaders would mesmerize you with their eyes while they slipped a knife between your ribs.

‘But some people still complained, saying It is all very well for us to be poor in order to get into Heaven, but we are living lives of long misery, waiting our turn to be called by the Lord.

‘But Kafupi was a listening leader, and he heard the cry of the people. So he took all the money out of the national pension fund, so that people could go to Heaven earlier. And he removed the doctors and medicines from the hospitals, so that people need not linger unnecessarily long before ascending to Paradise.

‘And still other people complained, saying Kafupi has taken our money for himself, and has bought himself six Mercedes and twenty Rolex watches and five hundred suits and a thousand pairs of shoes and five thousand monogrammed shirts. He has bought more bling bling than can be carried by a hundred camels.

‘But others defended the Great Leader, saying He is dressing up in this ridiculous bling bling to show us the absurdity and sinfulness of wealth, so that we can appreciate the decency and holiness of poverty.

‘For they had understood that Our Great Leader had accumulated all this wealth to take away our sins from us, and carry our sins on his shoulders, that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Truly he is our Saviour, who has died for us.’

Now the Bishop looked sorrowfully at the congregation. ‘And now that our Great Leader has been taken away by the Lord, who now will remain to show us the sinfulness and laughable absurdity of theft and wealth?

‘And I have the answer for you here today. We are going to build the Great Museum of Kafupi Bling Bling, as a memorial to him, full of suits and shoes and other useless paraphernalia, as a public warning against wanton kleptomania.

‘But others amongst you might say, how will Kafupi, who accumulated so much wealth, manage to pass through the eye of the needle? But I say unto you, Kafupi was a wise man, and only spent half of his wealth on bling bling. The other half was given to the Church, so that God might build him a house in Heaven.

‘And now, as the pall bearers lift the coffin to take Kafupi to his final resting place in the Bling Bling Mausoleum, I ask you all to stand up and sing Hymn No. 109, sung to the tune of Glory be to Jesus:

Glory to Kafupi

Who in bitter love

Took from us our money

With orders from above

Sing to God your praises

For Kafupi’s purse

Louder still and louder

Never pause to curse

Some did cry for vengeance

Pleading to the skies

But our dear Kafupi

For our pardon cries

Grace and life eternal

In Heaven we shall find

Blest be his corruption

Infinitely kind

Thanks to our Kafupi

For our poverty

Got us into Heaven

For eternity