Blood in the Bathroom

Blood in the Bathroom

Michael Pistorius, Defendant: My Lady, I heard a noise from the bathroom, I thought somebody was climbing in through the bathroom window.

Kalaki Nel, Prosecutor: Why should anybody want to climb in through your bathroom window?

Michael: My Lady, so many people wanted to kidnap my girlfriend, the beautiful Constitution. My lady, I had sworn to protect my Constitution, but I had enemies who wanted to abduct her and misuse and abuse her. So when I heard a noise from the bathroom, My Lady, I was terrified. In the pitch black of the night, I picked up my gun, then picked up my legs, and moved stealthily to the bathroom.

Kalaki Nel: Mr Pistorius, who are these enemies you are so afraid of?

Michael: They are so many, My Lady. But the worst is Technical Committee. He has sworn to steal my Constitution from me, and subject her to his will and base lusts and desires, and to turn her into his slave. My Lady, I had to protect my beautiful Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And tell, Mr Pistorius, why were you so in love with your Constitution?

Michael: My lady, when I am with my Constitution I am a real man. She gives me my power. With my beautiful Constitution everybody looks up to me, I command the universe, and people obey my every command. This Technical Committee wanted to steal my power.

Kalaki Nel: So now, without your Constitution, you are a broken man?

Michael: Yes, My Lady. (Sobs for a couple of minutes into his handkerchief)

Kalaki Nel: OK, so now you reach for your gun and make for the bathroom. Was Constitution lying on the bed?

Michael: No, My Lady, she was not on the bed.

Kalaki Nel: Ha ha, how do you know that? You said the night was pitch black!

Michael: She always slept under the bed, My Lady, she was so afraid of Technical Committee.

Kalaki Nel: So did you look under the bed to check if she was there?

Michael: Yes, My Lady. But I couldn’t see her because the night was pitch black.

Kalaki Nel: So you went to the bathroom door and fired four shots straight through it.

Michael: Yes, My Lady. I had to protect my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Did anybody scream?

Michael: Yes My Lady, I screamed because I was terrified. Then I screamed at Constitution to phone the Panga Force on 991. But she didn’t reply. It was then that I became terrified that I had shot my beloved Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: Then you went and got your panga and hacked a hole in the door, only to find our beautiful Constitution blown to pieces, with blood all over the bathroom floor.

Now a court official obligingly placed a green plastic bucket in front of Michael, so that he could have a prolonged vomit. After he had finally recovered himself the cross-examination continued…

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you have misled this court. I put it to you that our beloved Constitution did not come to your house of her own free will, but you kidnapped her and brought her to your house.

Michael: No, My Lady, it’s not true. I always respected my beloved Constitution, she came to my house to give me a Valentine’s present.

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you wanted an opportunity to accuse her of breaking her promises to you. You were jealous because she had left you and was instead dating Technical Committee. And you were also in a rage because Technical Committee had transformed her by the power of love. She was so now so beautiful and so admired by everybody that she became known as People’s Constitution. But you were so jealous that you kidnapped her, to get her back.

Michael: It’s not true, My Lady. I never kidnapped her. She came to visit me because she loved me.

Kalaki Nel: I put it to you, Mr Pistorius, that you had a shouting match with Constitution that night, because you had fallen into a jealous rage after she left you for Technical Committee. When she refused to come back to you, you threatened her with a gun.

Michael: No, My Lady. That was not possible. I loved my Constitution.

Kalaki Nel: And when she tried to run away from you, and locked herself in the bathroom, you fired through the door and murdered her.

Michael: (Head in hands, sobbing) No, no, no, My Lady. I thought I was protecting my beloved Constitution from Technical Committee who had come to abduct her.

Kalaki Nel: No, no, no! It seems that everything is no, Mr Pistorius! But perhaps on one thing we can agree: The People’s Constitution is now dead.

Michael: (Now slowly looking up towards the judge) Yes, My Lady, on that we can agree. The People’s Constitution is now dead.

Kalaki Nel: And you murdered her.

Michael: No, My Lady, it was an accident.

Parliamentary Fraud

Department of Parliamentary Fraud

PROCUREMENT OF PARLIAMENTARY SEATS:

INVITATION TO TENDER

Introduction

By virtue of powers given under the Destruction of Parliament Act of 1823, and in conformity with the procedures of the Prostitutes Procurement Procedure of 1867, the Department of Parliamentary Fraud (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the PF) is hereby issuing this Invitation to Tender for the supply of Parliamentary Seats to the PF.

This Invitation to Tender is offered in pursuance of the PF Policy to extend development to those constituencies which previously refused to give their parliamentary seats to the PF. However, in its benevolent desire to develop all of the country, the PF is now undertaking a policy of buying these seats in order to end unnecessary division in the nation and to bring about peace, national unity and development to all constituencies.

A contract to supply a parliamentary seat to the ruling PF may be given to any opposition member of parliament where the tendered amount for selling the seat is deemed reasonable by the Procurement Atrocity, and where the opposition member (otherwise and hereinafter referred to as the Prospective Supplier) meets the specifications set out hereinunder:

Goods and Personnel to be Supplied:

·      One green leather seat in parliament

·      One opposition member of parliament

·      At least one thousand opposition party defectors

It should be noted that opposition voters’ cards are considered an added advantage.

Description of Personal Services to be provided by the Prospective Supplier:

·      Standing as PF candidate*

·      Supervision of distribution of  brown envelopes, chitenge, mealie-meal, etc

·      Subversion of local chief

·      Supervision of party thugs

·      Distribution of pangas

·      Infiltration of local ECZ officials

* In the unlikely event of election failure, the Supplier would instead be offered the post of ambassador in a foreign mission.

Required Abilities and Qualifications of the Prospective Supplier:

·      Ability to lie without blinking

·      Ability to make speeches which repeat the words of the Party Leader

·      Ability to obey the Party Leader’s instructions without question or hesitation

·      Lack of any formal qualifications (exception will be made for forged certificates)

·      Lack of any political beliefs or principles

Note: To ensure equality of opportunity, literacy is not a requirement.

Undertakings to be made by a Prospective Supplier before signing of Contract:

The Supplier must undertake:

·      Never to contradict the Party Leader

·      Never to voice a personal opinion

·      Never to tell the truth, especially when under oath

·      To support the next Constitution, irrespective of its provisions

·      Always to vote in parliament according to party instructions

If the above Conditions are met, and if the Tendered Price is acceptable, the PF will contract to:

·      Supply from the Health Budget all funds necessary to buy votes

·      Send Dotty Scotty to the by-election to make false promises

·      Upon successful election, appoint the Supplier as a Deputy Minister

·      Provide a ministerial house with a minimum of twelve toilets

·      Provide a Landcruiser GX as person-to-holder

·      Provide immunity from investigation by ACC and DEC

·      Provide employment in foreign embassies for all of the Supplier’s children

Submission of Tender Documents:

Tender documents should include specifications of the seat being made available, the details of the Prospective Supplier as outlined above, and the price at which the seat is being offered. Documents should be posted within 90 days to:

Tender for Subverting Democracy

Department of Parliamentary Fraud (PF)

Former Anti-Corruption Commission

One-Party State Pilot Project

P.O. Box 666,

Lusaka.

Signed:

Splinter Kapimbe

General Secretary,

Parliamentary Fraud (PF)

On this Fifteenth Day of May 2013

Cancer Treatment

Cancer Treatment

          The TV news had just finished when onto the screen came the expressionless face of the ancient Minister of Health, Joseph Kasonde. ‘Countrywomen and men…’ he began

          ‘Wow! Countrywomen!’ sneered Sara. ‘At last! After fifty years of independence, some women have arrived in Zambia!’

          ‘Tomorrow,’ said the minister slowly, deliberately ignoring Sara’s remark, ‘is World Cancer Day, so I want to talk to you this evening about the way we are addressing the problem of cancer in Zambia.’

          ‘We fly to India,’ laughed Sara.

          ‘The problem of discussing this disease,’ continued the minister, ‘is that there are many myths about cancer which are simply not true.’

          ‘One of the myths about the Ministry of Health,’ sneered Sara, ‘is that it is about health and welfare. This is simply not true. The Ministry of Health is about corruption and death.’

          Again the minister continued to drone slowly on, completely oblivious to the ribald remarks and shoes being thrown at TV screens all over the country. Like all ministers, he was completely protected from the opinion of the people.

          ‘One of these myths,’ continued Kasonde in his killingly dull monotone, ‘is that thousands of Zambians die every year from cancer. This is simply not true. In Zambia the great majority of the population dies young from poverty and starvation, and do not live long enough to die of cancer.’

          ‘Unless they go into politics,’ suggested Sara.

          ‘However,’ continued the minister, ‘if the biological dimensions of the disease are relatively unimportant in Zambia, the political dimensions are very different.’

          ‘Hey Ho!’ I gasped in surprise, ‘Perhaps he’s actually going to say something!’

          ‘In politics,’ declared the minister, ‘the situation is very different, and we have increasing empirical evidence that political parties are cancerous, eating into the fabric and integrity of the state, even to the extent of destroying its constitution.’

          ‘Ha ha,’ I said to him, ‘now we’re getting somewhere!’

          ‘How does this happen?’ asked the minister, before helpfully going on to answer the question himself. ‘It happens because the biology of the state allows a political party to capture the heart of the people, and then to control the heart of the state on behalf of the people. All this is very well, because the people’s control of the heart is essential to democracy. And this heart, although presiding over the entire state, has to work in harmony with the other organs such as the brainy judiciary, the greedy parliamentary stomach, the army of mindless microbes, and so on.’

          ‘This is getting interesting,’ I admitted. ‘Last time this fellow spoke I fell asleep.’

          ‘Now,’ said Kasonde, ‘this brings us to the real heart of the problem of cancer in this country. Suppose the people elect a political party to take over the heart, but this political party is cancerous. By this I mean it acts not on behalf of the people, but for itself to pursue its own interests. Suppose, having taken over the heart, it now wants to grow at the expense of other organs, taking over the rest of the state, and quite ignoring the constitutional balance between organs which is supposed to keep the state in a healthy condition.’

          ‘I couldn’t have put it better myself,’ I declared.

          ‘If this political party is cancerous, this means that it has delinquent and aberrant cells within it which keep dividing and multiplying, first taking over the party and then the heart itself, causing both to become dysfunctional and dangerous to the state. Suppose now that this cancer at the heart of the state begins to send out cancerous cells into the other organs, and the cancer begins to spread. If this happens, then the previously judicious brain will become brainless. The nose will no longer be able to smell nasty things which have an obvious stink. The mouth’s taste buds will be replaced by cancerous cells which will easily allow the mouth to swallow things that are odious, disgusting and dangerous. Even the parliamentary stomach, which is supposed to vomit anything poisonous or damaging, will instead be willing to digest anything, even when dangerous to the entire constitution.

          ‘So this little fellow is not so dull after all!’ I marveled.

          ‘So how can the patient be saved?’ asked Dr Kasonde. ‘The treatment is simple. In the biological state, it is the people who are the life-blood of the state. It is the ordinary little blood cells who have the freedom of thought to see what is happening, the freedom of expression to tell their friends of the impending danger, and the freedom of movement to take action against the tyrannical cancer which is destroying the constitution. Before it is too late, these blood cells must exercise their constitutional freedom and move quickly throughout the entire state, supplying oxygen to the diminishing number of healthy cells in various organs, but completely cutting off the oxygen supply to all the invading cancer cells which are destroying the constitution.’

          ‘Simple!’ I said. ‘The man is a genius, even if he looks like an idiot!’

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­____________________________

          ‘Wake up! Wake up!’ I opened one eye, and there was Sara shaking me. ‘You’re asleep! Wake up! It’s time to go to bed!’

          ‘What? No! I wasn’t asleep! I may have had my eyes closed but I was listening to Kasonde. It was very interesting!

          ‘What rubbish!’ she laughed. ‘You fell asleep as soon as he started talking.’