State House
Invaded!
‘What
on Earth’s going on in Lusaka?’ I asked Kupela. ‘Last week on Monday there were
reports that the army had State House surrounded! Was it an attempted coup d’etat
or what!’
‘Most
people believe that Cycle Mata collapsed, and the army was ready to protect the
nation from any one of his self-appointed successors grabbing the reins of
power.’
‘But
did he really collapse?’
‘Of
course not,’ she laughed.
‘So
why do people believe it?’
‘Because
the story appeared on Yapdog,’ laughed Sara. ‘Everybody used to think their
stories were all lies, just cooked up to embarrass the government. But then a
month ago the government closed it down. So now they think that all the Yapdog
stories must be true, and it’s the Lapdog press that’s always telling lies.
Since Yapdog was officially closed down it has trebled its readership.’
‘Half
a minute,’ I said. ‘If the government closed it down, then how does Yapdog publish
its stories?’
‘This
is the Third World,’ laughed Kupela. ‘Governments are too inefficient to
achieve their totalitarian ambitions, and their spooks start to blab after a
couple of beers.’
‘So
what’s the true story?’ I said. ‘Did the army really surround State House?’
‘Oh
yes,’ she laughed.
‘Why?’
‘State
House was being invaded.’
‘What!’
I exclaimed. ‘By the army?’
‘No,
of course not. By the DEC, the Dumping Ecstasy Commission!’
‘So
what was the army doing?’
‘It
was preventing any ecstasy dealers escaping over the wall, which at State House
makes a very large and potentially porous perimeter.’
‘How
do you know all this?’ I asked in exasperation.
‘My
boyfriend’s sister has a friend whose niece has three boyfriends in the
Shushushu, so all her stories are seriously cross-referenced.’
‘Good
gracious,’ I said. ‘So what is the real story? Why did the DEC invade State
House?’
‘Because
of this dude Brave Kangalala, who had been accusing the government of
persecuting its political opponents and critics with bogus charges. Anybody
they wanted to fix, claimed Kangalala, they would just invade their house and
search it for 24 hours until they find some incriminating evidence.’
‘But
that wouldn’t work if they don’t find anything.’
‘If
they don’t find it then they just plant it,’ laughed Kupela. ‘That’s why they’re
called the Dumping Ecstasy Commission.’
‘Now
one day,’ explained Kupela, ‘this same Kangalala accused the government of
corruptly winning the election by making fake promises. Furthermore, he suggested
that their failure to implement their election promises strongly suggested that
they were high on something, because they all seemed to be wandering around in
a daze, appointing ministers one week and firing them the next.’
‘So
they arrested Kangalala?’
‘No,
they’re not quite as stupid as that. They invaded State House and conducted a
search. They saw a good chance to make a nice show that they could also
investigate government, and of course to show that the government is not
corrupt.’
‘And
what did they find?’
‘Of
course they found from all the computer records that the accusation of election
fraud was not correct. Kangalala had claimed that the government had promised more money in your pocket, but it was
found that they had promised more money
in our pocket. Similarly the promise to reform
the judiciary turned out to be deform
the judiciary. They had never promised to finalize the constitution, only to digitalize the constitution. They never said they would reduce the price of fuel, only reduce the subsidy on fuel. Rather than reducing the number of ministers they
had promised to redouble the number of
ministers. There was no evidence of fraud or false pretences.’
‘What
about restoring the Barotseland
Agreement?’
‘That
turned out to be deploring the
Barotseland Agreement.’
‘What
about doing everything in 90 days?’
‘That
turned out to be doing everything in 90
decades.’
‘What
about repealing the Public Order Act?’
‘That
turned out to be retaining the Public
Order Act.’
‘What
about bringing the Freedom of Information
Bill?’
‘That
turned out to be burying the Freedom of
Information Bill.’
‘Huh!’
But there still remains the little matter of creating five million jobs!’
‘They
certainly promised that. But the DEC investigators found detailed plans to
create 5,000 new civil service jobs in each of 1,000 new districts.’
‘And
did they find any incriminating drugs?’
‘They
did find a suitcase of suspicious looking pills under the bed of the medical
doctor who was a relative of Cycle Mata. But according to the DEC report, these
turned out to be Vermox de-worming tablets. The doctor had noticed that some horrible
monstrous worms had wormed themselves into government, and she was planning a
massive de-worming operation, beginning with the Cabinet.’
‘So
they couldn’t arrest anybody?’
‘There
was absolutely no evidence of fraud or corruption. According to the DEC report,
the government was completely exonerated.’
‘I
bet they thought of charging Brave Kangalala with something! Like causing
public panic!’
‘But
it was the army that caused the panic!’
‘They
could have charged him with making false accusations that the government is
corrupt.’
‘They
wouldn’t want to risk arguing that in court,’ laughed Kupela.
‘How
about charging him with planting ecstasy in State House?’
‘But
the DEC didn’t plant any, so they couldn’t accuse him of that!’
‘How
disappointing!’ I laughed. ‘They had to let him go!’
‘Don’t
worry,’ said Kupela. ‘They’ll get him next time!’
