Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Kalaki says goodbye...

Kalaki says goodbye…

I had been snoozing. I opened one eye, only to find a small crowd of people around the bed. Then I remembered where I was. I was in Ward C21 at the UTH, waiting for the operation tomorrow.  I opened the other eye. I could see immediately that the people around my bed were my regular readers. All seven of them. I looked at them angrily. ‘Who told you I was in here?’
          ‘It’s not a secret that you’re in here,’ said Sally Chawama, ‘There’s even a story in today’s Daily Nation saying Kalaki says goodbye to all his readers as he leaves Kalaki’s Korner.
          ‘So if I’ve already said goodbye,’ I snapped, ‘what are you all doing here? You want me to say goodbye again. Goodbye. Shalenipo. I’m off!’ I pulled the blanket over my head.
          ‘That’s no way to talk to us,’ retorted Stella Sata. ‘All the years we’ve been reading you and then you just up and off like you don’t even care! And daddy’s very annoyed, he says you’re the only columnist who really understands him.’
          ‘Stella,’ I said, ‘what nonsense you do talk. If anybody understands your daddy it’s only you, the rest of us are completely mystified.’
          ‘You’re being very rude and most unfair,’ snapped Ruth Henson, who never minces her words. ‘The story in this morning’s paper says that you’ve left Kalaki’s Korner, and that you’re in the UTH for a serious operation. We’re very concerned. We want to know what’s wrong with you.’
          I popped up out of the blanket and pointed a finger at Ruth. ‘I know your little farm is boring, with nothing to do except talk to the goats, and that you farmers count hospital visiting as a form of high entertainment, but you can’t come here asking me what’s wrong with me. I’m not one of your damn goats to be given a medical examination!’
          ‘Tut tut,’ said Dodson Siabwanta, as he turned in amazement to Mwila Zaza, ‘this fellow is just as insolent in real life as he is on the page!’
          ‘I knew that already,’ cackled Mwila, ‘He’s probably been at the brandy again. In fact you can be sure that’s why he’s in here. He’s got an enlarged liver. That’s what happens when you get hooked on the brandy.’
          ‘You can’t just all stand there talking to each other as if I’m not here!’ I shouted angrily.
          ‘Why not?’ sneered Symon Zulu, looking round at the other beds. That’s what all the other visitors are doing, so why should we be any different?’
          ‘More likely it’s an enlarged belly,’ declared Hope Nyambe as she unceremoniously prodded me through the blanket. ‘Look at the size of his gut! There could be all sorts of suspicious enlargements in there.’
          ‘It’s definitely not an enlarged heart,’ laughed Stella. ‘This old man is famously mean with his money.’
          ‘If it’s not an enlarged liver,’ declared Dodson, ‘it’s more likely an enlarged prostate. He’s just about the right age for that sort of thing. That’s why he doesn’t want to tell us what’s wrong. These old men will never admit that their equipment isn’t working.
          ‘Shut up, shut up, shut up!’ I sat up and shouted. ‘If you must know, the problem is that I’ve been suffering from an enlarged sense of humour.’
          ‘What nonsense,’ retorted Ruth. ‘It’s us that suffer from your sense of humour, not you.’
          ‘Look,’ I growled, ‘my job was to use my sense of humour to criticize politicians by making them look ridiculous. But with this current batch, it just wasn’t working.’
          ‘Why not?’ wondered Sally. ‘Are they not ridiculous?’
          ‘Of course they’re all entirely ridiculous,’ I admitted. ‘But the main problem is that they are extremely dangerous. While I have been making people laugh at them, I have deflected attention from the serious threat they pose to the nation.’
          ‘So you need an operation?’
          ‘You see, as my sense of humour has become enlarged, so it has squeezed all the other critical organs. My heart has been squeezed smaller, leaving me with diminished moral sense. My brain has been squeezed, limiting my analytical abilities. My nails can no longer scratch, my teeth can no longer bite, and my eyes are now so faded that I can see only the laughable and not the disastrous. My sense of humour has become so enlarged that it has encroached on all my other senses! I have no option but to have it amputated! First thing tomorrow morning!’
          The next evening they all came to see me again. They found me sitting up in bed, glass of brandy in hand, reading the Complete Works of Jurgen Habermas.
          ‘My God!’ exclaimed Mwila, ‘this is very disappointing! We expected you to be still in a coma, and on a drip!’
          ‘Don’t interrupt me,’ I hissed, ‘I’m on the crucial chapter of Legitimation Crisis.’
          ‘Can’t we at least see the stitches?’ pleaded Stella.
          ‘There aren’t any,’ I replied.
          ‘No stitches,’ they all said sadly. ‘After we’ve come all this way!’
          ‘How can there be no stitches?’ said Ruth sternly.
          ‘Not necessary,’ I replied curtly. ‘When it saw the surgeon’s knife, my sense of humour immediately and completely disappeared.



This is the last edition of Kalaki’s Korner. Next month, beginning Wednesday 4th June, Kalaki begins his new career as a political analyst, with a weekly blog entitled The Spectator.



40 comments:

  1. Will the analysis come in his usual style?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not in the form of allegory and metaphor, but I hope with some humour.

      Delete
    2. Let it continue in this form, cause it really packs more message and sends the right kind of impact!

      Delete
    3. THANKS TO DR OSAZE WHO CURERD ME OF STAPHYLOCOCUS INFECTION, I WAS INFECTED WITH STAPH FOR OVER FIVE YEARS, I VISITED SEVERAL HOSPITAL AND BOUGHT ALL KINDS OF ANTIBIOTICS FOR TREATMENT, ALL TO NO AND VAIL, NTIL SOMEONE RECOMMENDED ME TO DR OSAZE HERBAL HOME, AND HE ADMINISTERED HIS HERBAL MEDICATION ON ME, AND I WAS CURED WITHIN A MONTHAND A WEEK.
      IN CASE YOU ARE FACING SUCH PROBLEM, AND YOU NEEDS DR OSAZE ASSISTANCE, YOU CAN CALL OR WHATSAP HIM ON +2347089275769 OR EMAIL DROSAZE39@GMAIL.COM

      Delete
    4. I’m recommending Dr Godday to everyone who have herpes virus to get the cure from him. I was diagnose of genital herpes in 2015 and i have been searching and asking questions to see if i could get something to cure the disease because i did not believe what the doctors say that no cure is found yet. I came across a comment on Youtube and the person testify how she was cured from herpes and hpv after using Dr Godday herbal medicine. I quickly contact Dr email and explain my problem to him and he prepare the herbs and send it to me through courier and gave me instructions on how to use it and tell me to go for checkup after usage which i did after two weeks of taken the herbal medicine and my result was NEGATIVE. I waited another month and retested the result was still NEGATIVE and my doctor told me that am completely free from herpes. Am so happy and grateful to Dr Godday for what he has done for me and i will continue to share this for people out there to know that there is cure for herpes. You can contact Dr Godday on email and WhatsApp to get the cure from him. Email:goddayspiritualhome@gmail.com Or Call/What’s-app +1{919}4956404

      Delete
  2. When and where will burial take place? Sad though. Hope he goes to heaven

    ReplyDelete
  3. Watching the space thank you kalaki

    ReplyDelete
  4. I will miss this Kalaki but I do understand your reasoning, I have also concluded that this new bunch of old leaders are already naturally ridiculous, how much more ridiculous can a comic make themlook? Looking forward to your more formal analysis of our ever ridiculous old leaders.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Farewell! Does this mean that the throne in Kalakiland is vacant? I hope there will not be succession wrangles as is in some tribal lands.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'll personally miss the metaphoric type of your analysis. I just hope and pray that the spectator will be as humorous as the king of the land has been.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dear Roy,
    It' probably a very wise -- and politically strategic -- decision you have made. I am sure it must have been very difficult for you to realize that our current crop of leaders are such that they live up to the form of your satire. How sad when political satire becomes the new political reality! I truly look forward to your political analyses. I believe 'The Spectator' has been called forth into life by the very concrete political circumstances that no longer lend themselves to caricaturing. All the best, Fackson

    ReplyDelete
  8. A Humoratomy must be a very painful and yet important operation for a person like you to undergo through. Nonetheless, like the above (1:52PM) commenter most of us will be looking forward to the political analyses the spectator will have to offer.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kalaki, we have immensely enjoyed the sojourn into the world of laughther and mirth. Your departure will surely be felt by some of us your ardent followers. For continuity's sake, which platform will host The Spectator?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Humphrey, The Editor of the Daily Nation has agreed to take the Spectator column to replace Kalaki's Korner, and I shall open a new blog page.

      Delete
  10. We look forward to hear more from you, am a Namibian but really do enjoy what you write on this blog, i hope your new column will have the same tone of humour. Big Up mr Spectator

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The surgeon was supposed to have completely removed my sense of humour, but as you grimly suggest, there is a danger that bits of it may have remained, and could again grow to threaten the body politic.

      Delete
  11. We thank you Kalaki. We look forward to reading the Spectator because I am very sure the sense of humour problem you have had already metastasized. As a result, I am very sure that I will miss Kalaki's corner just a little. I wish you well

    ReplyDelete
  12. Kalaki, Kalaki, Kalaki! Every week looked forward to the korner... How are going to entertain ourselves in future? Come, come Spectator Kalaki. I love armchair philosophy especially in our current political dispensation.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No matter what the reasonis, we will miss this very much.
    Can't you maintain a split personality and be both the King and spectator?

    ReplyDelete
  14. How does one become subscribed via email to your new blog?? Would like to continue following it too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blog not yet established. Link to it will be found on my 'Spectator Kalaki' facebook page in due course.

      Delete
  15. Nice way to say good bye...all the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks In'utu, I am grateful for your best wishes. We must all try our best, we are all toilers in the field.

      Delete
  16. My spouse and I stumbled over here different web ppage and thought
    I should check things out. I like what I see so now i'm following you.
    Look foeward to finding out about your web page repeatedly.


    Also visit my web page bookkeeper (bookkeepingprofessionals.co.za)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hehehe Thank you for featuring me. Shall start reading the Spectator though I'm late to the party. Good bye Kalaki...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Is there a link to The Spectator??? Want to get reading...

    ReplyDelete
  19. I wish there could be an animation company that could bring your ideas life..it would be so nice

    ReplyDelete
  20. It was during my research on HIV/Herpes that I stumbled upon the Hiv/Herpes information; information which is quite easy to find when doing a search for STD on google. I was into conspiracy at the time thought of HIV/Herpes Cured' being a conspiracy was something Ignorance though,I found pretty interesting about herbal medicine. I asked questions about the Herbal cure's on official HIV/Herpes websites and I was banned for doing so by moderators who told me that I was parroting Hiv/Herpes propaganda. This reinforced my belief that there is a cure for Hiv/Herpes Then i found a lady from germany name Achima Abelard Dr Itua Cure her Hiv so I send him a mail about my situation then talk more about it and send me his herbal medicine I drank for two weeks.And today I'm Cured no Hiv/Herpes in my life,I searched for Hiv/Herpes groups to attempt to make contact with people in order to learn more about Hiv/Herpes Herbal Cure's I believed at this time that you with the same disease this information is helpful to you and I wanted to do the best I could to spread this information in the hopes of helping other people.That Dr Itua cure Hiv,Herpes,Hepatitis,Diabetes,Copd,Fibroid,Als, And Cancer. He's a herbal doctor with a unique heart of God, Contact Emal..drituaherbalcenter@gmail.com Phone or whatsapp..+2348149277967.

    ReplyDelete
  21. For years, I have read and seen the advertisements in the mass media about all of the penis enhancement pills and thought that they were all scams or gimmicks. All of the medical sites that I have visited stated that none of the herbal supplements would ever help increase the size of a penis. I got very depressed when I read this, because unfortunately I was not naturally blessed with a penis that was big enough to arouse my sexual partner or past partners. I am a man that is past my sexual primetime and my sexual performance has a lot to be desired. I decided to try Doctoc Akhigbe herbal medicine after all the reading and researching that I have done.I saw a testimony " Joe" about doctror Akhigbe Herbal Medicine Since there is a Money Back Guarantee, I give him a trial what did I have to lose? I couldn't believe the results I was seeing after drinking the Natural  Herbal Medicine  and Herbal Soap to be rubign my penis! he sent to me through DHL courier delivery service . Within about 2 weeks I had a noticeable increase in the girth of my penis. Then after a coupleof aditional week it started to grow in length and I was amazed and very excited.before I finish the drink and the soap my penis had grown an additional two inches. I've had a considerable improvement with my sex life and these pills are certainly worth every penny I spent on them! I want to thank Dr Akhigbe for the time and effort they have spent on helping people in my situation.I know many are out there who are suffering this problem and they need help, email him.    drrealakhigbe@gmail.com.    He also cure other diseases like: . HIV/ AIDS. JOINT PAIN, BREAST ENLARGEMENT. DIABETIES.  HERPES. AUTISM . NO PRIOD.  CHRONIC DISEASES. LUPUS . MALE AND FEMALE FERTILITY. WAST & BACK PAIN. CANCER . DISCHARGE FROM BREAST PAIN, BREAST INFECTION. PARKINSON DISEASES.  WOMEN SEXUAL PROBLEM.  VAGINAL INFECTION. IRREGULAR MENSTRATION , PAIN & ITCHING, TOXOPLASMOSIS,  . LOWER ABDOMINAL PAIN PAIN DURING SEX INSIDE THE PELVIC . PREMATURE EJACULATION.  PAIN DURING URINATION. PELVIC INFLAMATORY DISEASES , VAGINAL DISCHARGE. (PID). PULMONARY FIBROSIS, DRIPPING OF SPERM FROM THE VAGINAL AS WELL AS FOR LOW SPERM COUNT. DENGUE, TUBERCULOSIS. CIRRHOSIS .    ITCHING OF THE PRIVATE PART. ZERO SPERM COUNT.  ASTHMA.  . ,  EJACULATION. WEAK ERECTION. ERYSIPELAS, DISCHARGE FROM PENIS . HPV. QUICK EJACULATION. HEPATITIS A & B. STD. STAPHYLOCOCCUS + GONORRHEA + SYPHILIS. HEART DISEASE.  PILE-HEMORRHOID. HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. RHIUMATISM, THYROID, PENIS ENLARGEMENT  .   For your cure email him now:   drrealakhigbe@gmail.com    or Contact his numbe:  +2349010754824.

    ReplyDelete
  22. FINALLY FREE FROM HERPES VIRUSI thought my life had nothing to offer anymore because lifebecame meaningless to me because I had Herpes virus, thesymptoms became very severe and bold and made my familyrun from and abandoned me so they won't get infected. I gaveup everything, my hope, dreams,vision and job because thedoctor told me there's no cure. I consumed so many drugs butthey never cured me but hid the symptoms inside me makingit worse. I was doing some research online someday when Icame across testimonies of some people of how DR Ebhotacured them from Herpes, I never believed at first and thoughtit was a joke but later decided to contact him on the detailsprovided and when I messaged him we talked and he sent mehis herbal medicine and told me to go for a test after twoweeks. Within 7 days of medication the symptomsdisappeared and when I went for a test Lo and behold I wasNEGATIVE by the Doctor Who tested me earlier. Thank you DREbhota because I forever owe you my life and I'll keep ontelling the world about you. If you are going through samesituation worry no more and contact DR Ebhota viadrebhotasolution@gmail. com or WhatsApp him via +2348089535482.he also special on cureing 1. HIV/AIDS2. HERPES 3. CANCER 4.ALS 5. HEPATITIS B 6.DIABETES 7. HUMAN PAPILOMA VIRUS DISEASE(HPV)8. ALZHEIMER 9. LUPUS (Lupus Vulgaris or LupusErythematosus

    ReplyDelete
  23. God bless Dr. Omolowa for his marvelous work in my life, I was diagnosed of HERPES since 2018 and I was taking my medications, I wasn't satisfied i needed to get the HERPES out of my system, I searched out some possible cure for HERPES i saw a comment about Dr. Omolowa, how he cured HERPES,DIABETES,HIV,and CANCER with his herbal medicine, I contacted him and he guided me. I asked for solutions, he started the remedy for my health, he sent me the medicine I took the medicine as prescribed by him and 14 days later i was cured from HERPES, Dr. Omolowa truly you are great, do you need his help also? Why don’t you contact him through his EMAIL: dr.omolowa@gmail.com call or whatsApp him on +2347014035034

    ReplyDelete
  24. God bless Dr Ebacol for his marvelous work in my life, I was diagnosed of HERPES since 2018 and I was taking my medications, I wasn't satisfied i needed to get the HERPES out of my system,I searched out some possible cure for HERPES i saw a comment about Dr Ebacol, how he cured HERPES,DIABETES,HIV,and CANCER with his herbal medicine, I contacted him and he guided me. I asked for solutions, he started the remedy for my health, he sent me the medicine I took the medicine as prescribed by him and 14 days later i was cured from HERPES, Dr Ebacol truly you are great, do you need his help also? Why don’t you contact him through his EMAIL:    drebacolherbalhome1@gmail.com  call or whatsApp him on +2348159042641 

    ReplyDelete
  25. I was diagnosed of HERPES Virus in 2018 and I have tried all I can to get cured but all to no avail, until i saw a post in a health forum about a herbalist man who prepare herbal medication to cure all kind of diseases including HERPES virus, at first i doubted if it was real but decided to give it a try , when i contact this herbalist and he prepared a HERPES herbal cure and sent it to me via FEDEX delivery company service, when i received this herbal cure, he gave me step by directions on how to apply it, when i applied it as instructed, i was totally cured of this horrible disease within 14days of usage, i went to the hospital for a test and it was negative. I can tell to the public now that am now free from the horrible disease called herpes, all thanks to Dr.ASAKA that is why I want to leave his email address and What's app contact just if you want to contact him for help. you reach this great herbal doctor via his email on (drasakanaturalremedies@gmail.com)website on: https://drasakanaturalremediesherbalcure.wordpress.com/
     One thing I like about Dr ASAKA is honesty. His very polite with his customers, everything he told me was what he did. His herbal medicine are very affordable, effective, confidential.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I would like to let all know that the size of your Penis really matters in your relationship or marriage. I got married to my wife about 1 month after we met on a photo studio, we lived happily for the first 3 months of our marriage until i and my wife started having quarrels at home because i couldn't satisfy her on bed with my little penis. Actually my penis was very small, it measured about 4.5 inch long on erection and i am 39 years old. My wife said it was forbidden by the women of this world. My wife started sleeping with other men outside. Sometimes i will return from work without finding my wife at home and whenever i call or ask her where she was, she will always snub at me and sometimes just tell me to go get a larger dick. All this continued for a long time and it hurt me so much that i was at the edge of breaking up on the marriage till when i read about a doctor called DR.AFRID. online. I never thought i could smile and be in a happy marriage again if not for the help of DR.AFRID. I got the doctors Emails:(drafridherbalhome@gmail.com ) on the internet and i emailed him, and he got back to me with some encouraging words, he got me some herbs cream which i use for just 8 days and i began to feel the enlargement of my penis, and without surgery. This went on for a little period of about 10 days and to my surprise my wife keeps screaming that she love my big dick now. Now my wife no longer cheat on me, and my penis is now about 10.5 inches long on erection and off course very large round. And now my wife uses breasts, hips and bums enlargement. I and my wife are very happy for the help rendered to me by DR.AFRID , and i want to say a big thanks to Doctor for the help. You can contact the Doctor now on his Email:( drafridherbalhome@gmail.com ) Am thankful to the doctor for helping me. his whataspp number +2349057260738 DOCTOR AFRID CAN AS WELL HELP THE FOLLOWING PROBLEMS 1. HIV/AIDS SPELL 2. HERPES SPELL 3. CANCER SPELL 4 IF YOU WANT YOUR EX LOVER BACK SPELL 5 IF YOU NEED A BABY SPELLhim to solve 6 LOW SPERM COUNT SPELL get all your problem solve. No problem is too big for him to solve.  

    ReplyDelete
  27. Erotic Services in Comox Valley
    As always, getting to know one of the many beautiful Stratforward girl is really easy thanks to 5escorts. But we are always willing to help the women who decide to post their ads on our website, and that includes reminding a series of steps you should take, for both your safety and the safety of the escort COMOX VALLEY you want to meet.

    ReplyDelete
  28. The doctors said Herpes virus do not have medical cure because the virus is capable of hiding within the human cells, it remains protected from your immune system. Herpes isn’t a special virus – your immune system has the tools to fight it back. But because it is able to lay dormant in protected cells, your immune system is unable to remove it from your body,But with strong reactive herbal medication is capable of getting rid of the virus gradually and totally from your body without damaging any of your cells,natural herbs kills the virus totally not just reducing the out break. Get natural herbs cure Email DR. VOODOO at voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com Add Dr voodoo on whatsApp +2348140120719

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dr.ALUDA  God will continue to bless you more abundantly, for the good
    works you are doing in peoples life, I will keep on writing and posting
    testimonies about you on the Internet, I was an (HPV and Herpes virus)
    patient, I saw a blog on how Dr. ALUDA cured someone, I contacted him via email @ draludaharbalhome@gmail.com and
    also got my healing

    ReplyDelete
  30. We miss you hope you are keeping up well. It's almost 10 years now

    ReplyDelete