Raising the Middle Finger

Raising the Middle Finger

          ‘You can go in now,’ said the secretary as she opened the door, ‘Ms Sexier is now ready for you.’

          I stepped into a darkened room, lit only by a single red light which hung over a white satin couch. And there, draped over the couch in seductive pose lay the notorious Dolly Sexier, draped in a red silk dressing gown. ‘Spectator Kalaki,’ she purred, ‘I always prefer men with lighter skins. I can always see what they’re doing in the dark. What can I do for you? What are your preferences? Come and sit here, nice and close.’

          ‘I just wanted to talk about politics,’ I said, as she nuzzled up to me.

          ‘Sex and politics, all the same thing,’ she laughed. ‘There so much politics in sex, and so much sex in politics. Which one do you want? I’m more than willing to take either position.’

          ‘I’m particularly interested in the sex in politics,’

          ‘Delightful,’ she giggled. ‘A good choice. Let’s try a bit of foreplay before we get to the heart of the matter. Which end would you like to start?’

          ‘With your middle finger,’ I said, as she fondled my beard.

          ‘Everybody enjoys my naughty middle finger,’ she chuckled, as she stuck her tongue into my ear.

          ‘I was wondering more about the finger’s meaning rather than its sexual activity,’ I said bravely, as the finger began to explore other places. ‘The whole nation is wondering what you meant when you raised your middle finger at the Speaker. Some say you were pointing at the dilapidated ceiling, telling him it needs to be repaired. Some say that you rather fancy him, and you were beckoning him to follow you to your boudoir. But others say it was a rude gesture, meaning Up Yours!’

          ‘Typical of you men,’ she sighed, ‘you are always trying to use your middle finger as a weapon to threaten us women. But if a woman dares to raise a finger at a man, he suddenly becomes frightened that the woman is trying to claim the power of his middle finger.’

          ‘Oooh,’ I said, as she ran her middle finger down my spine, ‘where is this going?’

          ‘Look,’ she said, when a woman raises her middle finger to a man it just means that she is trying to get him to stand up like a man. The poor old Speaker had gone completely soft and was a disgrace to his manhood. Instead of standing up for himself, and standing up for parliament, the silly old fellow had been behaving like a puppet in the Muppet Show, taking instructions from his puppeteer. There is nothing more pathetic than a man who can’t stand up for himself when the occasion demands. All the other men in parliament were so downcast by his inability to perform that they also failed to stand up for themselves. So I raised my middle finger, telling them to Stand Up!’

          ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I also felt sad at how they all just curled up and shrank.’

          ‘Not like you, Kalaki,’ she said, as she gave my ear a little nibble, ‘you can stand up when the occasion demands.’

          ‘I have had my moments,’ I admitted.

          ‘I know,’ she purred. ‘We were there together.’

          ‘So where is this going, ooh, ah, …’ I spluttered.

          ‘Try to keep your mind on the interview,’ she purred. ‘We women are able to multi-task, you know.’

          ‘I know,’ I said. ‘I was distracted for a moment by your middle finger. Where is it going?’

          ‘I am going to start my own party, these men are just useless. They pretend to be so much more powerful than us women, but when we need them to stand up for us, they just flop. First there was the UNIP, the United Institution of Patriarchy. Then came the MMD, the Mighty Male Dictatorship. And now, even worse, the Phallic Force. All of them with men on top and women underneath, and then the men just flop. So I’m going to start another party!’

          ‘What will it be called?’

          ‘I shall take all the women from both the MMD and the PF, and therefore I shall call it the MF.’

          ‘Meaning?’

          ‘The Middle Finger. And that will also be our sign. One middle finger in the air!’

          ‘And what will be the party slogan?’

          ‘Stand up for us and we shall sit on you!’

          ‘So the women will be on top?’

          ‘Instead of Women’s Day we shall have Men’s Day. I shall take the salute as the men march past, all raising their middle fingers, to show that they are able to stand up for women.’

          ‘So it will be matriarchy?’

          As she raised one knee I glimpsed a flash of succulent thigh. ‘No,’ she said, ‘we shall show them the middle way.’

          ‘Men and women will lie together as equals?’

          ‘Exactly,’ she said. ‘Equality begins in the bedroom. And just as we unite as equals in the bedroom, we shall unite the nation. Bemba will marry Tonga and produce a new tribe of Bonkers; Apansi will marry Apamwamba and produce Apansimwamba; Muntu will marry Musungu and produce Muntusungu…’

          ‘Man will marry woman and produce humans,’ I suggested.

          ‘We must give it a try,’ she purred, as she held me closer. ‘We must set an example.’

          ‘But soon,’ I said, desperately trying to divert her attention, ‘the Speaker is likely to call you into his chambers to explain the behaviour of your naughty middle finger!’

          Her dressing gown slipped from her shoulders as she leant forward to run her naughty middle finger up my leg. ‘Providing me with a lovely opportunity,’ she purred, ‘to show him how to stand up for Zambia!’

              

           

Chimbwi No Plan

Chimbwi No Plan

     ‘Grandpa,’ said Nawiti, ‘tell me a story and then I’ll go to sleep.’

     ‘All the animals of Mfuwe,’ I began, ‘were gathered around in a big circle. It was the day of the Big Trial, where the Great Elephant sat as judge, and Chief Ha Ha stood accused of referring to the Great Leader as Chimbwi No Plan.’

     ‘Huh,’ said Nawiti, ‘that doesn’t sound like a terrible insult to me!’

     ‘You have to understand the politics of the animals in the game park,’ I explained.

     ‘When my friends the Tellytubbies go into the forest,’ said Nawiti, ‘they find all the animals are very sweet and friendly, and they kiss them all. Even the lions wouldn’t hurt a fly.’

     ‘It’s very different in Mfuwe,’ I explained patiently, ‘where all the animals are political animals, and very dangerous. Even a fly can lay eggs in your skin and make you go rotten all over.’

     ‘Even so,’ wondered Nawiti, ‘what was so terrible about calling him Chimbwi No Plan?’

     ‘Because Chimbwi had come to Mfuwe as the Saviour of the Nation. Before that, all the animals had been oppressed by the Movement of Mad Dinosaurs, who had brought in the Ching Chang pandas to steal all the bamboo and export it to Chang Ching. They had destroyed the forest, employed the monkeys as slaves, and reduced the animals to starvation.’

     ‘But then came the Great Leader?’

     ‘One evening, as the animals were gathered on the banks of the Great Luangwa, they saw a Great Pabwato coming from afar. As the boat came closer they saw a large hyena, who stepped out of the boat and walked on the water …’

     ‘Am I supposed to believe this story?’ asked Nawiti.

     ‘All this happened in the days of Christianity,’ I explained, ‘when people easily believed in miracles. ‘As the hyena walked majestically amongst them he declared I am King Chimbwi, sent by God to save you. I am Leader of a new party called the Plan Forward, and I have a great plan to move forward. We shall chase the Dinosaurs back to Jurassic Park. We shall chase the Ching Chang back to Chang Ching, and we shall be happy and rich forever and ever.’

     ‘Now I’m beginning to see,’ said Nawiti, ‘that calling him Chimbwi No Plan could be rather dangerous.’

     ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Especially when talking to hyenas. So perhaps we can now return to the court?’

     ‘I’m already there,’ said Nawiti.

     ‘The Great Elephant,’ I continued, ‘now addressed the prisoner, saying Chief HaHa of the Up and Down Party…’

     ‘The Up and Down Party?’ laughed Nawiti.

     ‘Yes,’ I said irritably. ‘HaHa was leader of the monkeys. They were very good at running up and down trees, but they couldn’t make much progress on the ground. So, as I was saying, the Great Elephant said You are charged that, on a date unknown, at a place unknown, in the presence of witnesses unknown, you were heard to say Chimbwe No Plan. How do you plead?’

     ‘Not guilty My Lord. And who is the complainant in this case? Has King Chimbwi complained that he has lost his plan?’

     ‘Er, no,’ admitted the judge. ‘Perhaps we had better ask him!’

     ‘Has Chimbwi complained that anybody stole his plan?’ persisted HaHa.

     ‘Er, um, no, I don’t think so,’ said the judge, looking bewildered.

     ‘Do we have any evidence that Chimbwi ever had a plan?’ wondered HaHa.

     ‘Um, ah, I was assuming that he must have had one,’ replied the judge.

     But as the Great Elephant spoke, a pack of hyenas began to gather around his legs, growling and baring their teeth.

     ‘Oh dear,’ said Nawiti, ‘were they threatening the judge?’

     ‘The hyenas had eaten the previous judge,’ I explained. ‘Being a judge in the jungle is a very dangerous occupation.’

     ‘Well,’ said the judge, now beginning to shake, ‘perhaps you are guilty of defamation!’

     ‘Defamation, My Lord?’ wondered HaHa. ‘I can see that it might be defamatory to call somebody a murderer or a prostitute, or even an adulterer, because such accusations might ruin the reputation of a person previously seen as respectable. But is it damaging to somebody’s reputation to say that they haven’t got a plan? Surely, My Lord, most of us do not have a plan. To say that somebody does not have a plan is about as defamatory as saying that they do not have an umbrella!’

     But now the hyenas were beginning to snap at the judge. One had hold of his tail, and two more were jumping up, trying to reach his testicles.

    ‘Ah, ah, eeeh,’ squealed the elephant, ‘Just one more question, Chief HaHa. Do you yourself have any plan on how to govern Mfuwe?’

     But the hyenas didn’t like this question either, as one alpha male managed a high leap and tore a piece off the elephants ear, as all the other hyenas laughed and cheered.

     ‘Certainly I have a plan!’ boasted HaHa. ‘You see, Chimbwi made promises but he has no plan on how to fulfill these promises. What he needs to do now is to clear away the bamboo, plant maize and sweet potatoes, employ all the monkeys in cultivation, use labour intensive methods, export our crop to…

     ‘Ha Ha Chief HaHa!’ squealed the judge triumphantly. ‘Now you have revealed your guilt! How do you know all these things? Clearly you are the one who stole the plan from our Great Leader! I sentence you to ten years for theft!’

     ‘Hurray!’ squealed all the hyenas. ‘O wise judge! O clever judge! A Solomon come to judgement!’

     ‘Grandpa!’ said Nawiti sleepily, ‘who’s taking me to school tomorrow? Mummy’s gone to Kitwe.’

     ‘Don’t worry,’ I said, ‘somebody will take you.’

     ‘Just promises,’ she said, ‘but no plan.’

   

Judging the Judge

Judging the Judge

‘All rise,’ ordered the Clerk of Court, as in swept the Judge Mutunga, latest star of our entertaining  judiciary. ‘Today,’ intoned the Clerk, ‘we return to the case of DBZ vs Mr Red Miimba. I call upon Mr Miimba to return to the witness box.’

     ‘Mr Miimba,’ said the judge, ‘Disbursing Billions of Zillions, trading as DBZ, is suing you in your capacity as a director of Postmortem Tours. DBZ is demanding the return of the twenty billion pin which they made the mistake of lending to you. What do you have to say for yourself before I pass judgement?’

     ‘M’Lord,’ replied Miimba wearily, ‘this is well known to be a politically motivated case. As the manager of DBZ, Mr Dubious Brainless Zombie has already explained to this court that the loan was to support the Postmortem Bus Tours of Monstrous Mansions in New Kasama. These tours were organized so that ordinary citizens could see how their tax money had been squandered and misappropiated by the previous government. This was part of the Fight Against Corruption.’

     ‘Mr Miimba,’ said the judge sternly, ‘I am not interested in whether your bus tours were to New Kasama or Timbuktu. But I am interested in how you were lent twenty billion pin when you were notoriously insolvent and owed money all around town.’

     ‘M’Lord, the government backed the loan because my tours were exposing corruption.’

     ‘Hmmm,’ murmered the judge. ‘But if this corrupt loan was such an important part of the Fight Against Corruption, then why did DBZ suddenly call in the loan? Was this an unexpected sign that the Fight Against Corruption had begun to succeed?’

     ‘A new government came in,’ explained Miimba. ‘And the new government immediately started the Fight Against the Fight Against Corruption, and realized that I was now part of the Fight Against the Fight against the Fight Against Corruption. So DBZ called in the loan because they had to follow instructions from the new government.’

     ‘So DBZ brought you to court to get their money back?’

     ‘Yes, M’Lord.’

     ‘Was that really because the loan was corruptly obtained?’

     ‘Certainly not, M’Lord. That could not possibly have been the case, because the government’s new Fight Against the Fight Against Corruption was in support of corruption.’

     ‘But why didn’t you just repay the loan?’ wondered the judge.

     ‘It was a matter of principle,’ explained Miimba. ‘From the outset it was understood that this money was just a grant for our good work, and only described as a loan for accounting purposes. Therefore the demand for repayment was obviously being made in bad faith.’

     ‘I put it to you,’ said the judge, ‘that DBZ stole this money from the people, and you were stealing it from DBZ, and this was understood on both sides.’

     ‘Exactly,’ agreed Miimba. ‘I quite agree that if one thief lends money to another thief, the second thief should perhaps be open to the accusation of receiving stolen property. But I should not need to remind Your Lordship that no such charge is before this court, and you would do well to concentrate your mind on the actual matter in hand.’

     ‘It seems to me,’ retorted the judge, ‘that despite all your claims of political machinations, the simple truth of the matter is that you borrowed twenty billion pin and you should repay it. What do you say about that?’

     ‘I would warn you to be careful,’ said Miimba ominously. ‘The previous judge in this case was about to rule in my favour, and see what happened to him!’

     ‘What do you mean?’ laughed the judge. ‘Don’t you want me to rule in your favour? Anyway, I wasn’t thinking of doing so!’

     ‘You don’t seem to understand the political predicament of the judiciary, or the danger of your own position’ replied Miimba. ‘The last judge failed to understand that the government wanted a judgment against me, so when they saw that he was about to rule in my favour, he was recused.’

     ‘Nonsense,’ said Judge Mutanga, ‘a judge cannot be recused, he can only recuse himself.’

     ‘Well,’ said Miimba, ‘maybe he was infused or excused or just confused, but he certainly had to leave in a hurry. That’s why you were suddenly allocated this case.’

     ‘Oh good,’ said the judge, ‘so if I rule against you, I shall be doing the right thing!’

     ‘Don’t you understand anything?’ sneered Miimba. ‘The government has changed since then, the Fight Against Corruption has resumed, and the people in government are all my friends again. So I am just giving you a friendly warning that if you rule against me, you are putting yourself in a fix.’

     ‘Well,’ said the judge, ‘The law says that if you borrow money you should repay it. So I order you to do so.’

     Two days later the TV evening news included the following item: ‘High Court Judge Mutanga has been arrested and charged for stealing a pencil from Shoprite. ACC Spokesperson has revealed that, after the judge’s home and office were searched for twenty-four hours, investigating officers found the pencil concealed in a desk draw, and Judge Mutanga could not produce a valid receipt to justify his possession of the item suspected to have been stolen. The charge is further aggravated by the suspicion that this allegedly stolen pencil is the very one used by another judge when he was forced to recuse himself. Police bond has been refused on suspicion that the judge could easily repeat the same offence if allowed out of custody.’