Death of Corruption

Death of Corruption

It was a Monday morning, and Sara and I were crammed at the back of the packed Cathedral of the Holy Hypocrisy. At the front were hundreds of the High and Mighty Servants of The People, all lounging on black leather armchairs. They were dressed in glittering black, fashioned by the finest couturiers of Geneva and Paris, and all paid for by the poor people sitting on hard wooden pews at the back of the cathedral.

‘I’m surprised,’ I whispered to Sara, ‘that there is such a high turnout of the ruling class.’

‘They were all very distraught when they heard the terrible news of the death of Corruption,’ Sara replied. ‘They have come here for reassurance that there is really life after death.’

As we were whispering, a self-appointed Bentecostal Bishop strode up to the lectern to say a few words about the departed. ‘We are gathered here today,’ he began, ‘to celebrate the life of Corruption in Zambia.

‘We all remember the marvelous day when Corruption took over the government. Before that we had been ruled by the one-party bureaucracy, which promised everything, but brought nothing. Previously the government had just been one huge bureaucratic machine which had gone rusty, so that its wheels could not turn. But all it needed was a little lubrication, a little greasing of hands and wheels. And it was Corruption that provided that little bit of lubrication. For this we must always be grateful.

‘Because Corruption realized that a little bit of appreciation is all people need. Unkind critics called this bribery, because they do not understand our tradition of showing appreciation.

‘Why the Bentecostals?’ I whispered to Sara. ‘Isn’t this supposed to be an Anglican cathedral?’

‘The Anglicans rented it out for the funeral, and then fled,’ she replied.

‘And so the idea of Corruption,’ explained the Bishop, ‘soon entered all aspects of government. When contractors showed a bit of appreciation to government officials, they were able to get contracts and avoid the gridlock of the Tender Board. If foreign investors showed a bit of appreciation, they could be given parastatals for nothing, and make huge profit for their new owners. And so the economy was liberalized, and the results of Corruption were much applauded in Washington and Beijing.

‘But here at home, unfair critics and opposition leaders complained about this government of Corruption. But the electorate was more appreciative, because they appreciated appreciation, and were happy to receive appreciation in exchange for their votes, to prevent the enemies of Corruption from winning an election.

‘And so to maintain Corruption in government, Corruption had to take over the police force, and the judiciary, and even the Constitution itself. Certainly, we have a lot to thank Corruption for.

‘But still the critics and naysayers and dissidents and malcontents maintained that Corruption was criminal. But today Corruption has been vindicated, because God has called him to Heaven. And since he has been vindicated, his critics must forgive him.’

‘But if he has been vindicated,’ I whispered to Sara, ‘then what is he to be forgiven for?’

‘Don’t try to make sense of it,’ said Sara.

‘A person achieves his reputation by his great works. And although Corruption may have left us, his great works live on. Corruption may be with the Lord, but Corruption shall remain with us here in Zambia, in our government, in our police and judiciary, and in all walks of life. And whenever a bribe passes from one hand to another, we shall remember him.’

‘Amen,’ chanted the congregation.

‘But his political opponents are now trying to remove his good work by corrupting Corruption. They tell us, Don’t Kubeba, meaning it is alright to accept a bribe, but don’t keep your promise. How can they introduce such sinfulness and dishonesty into the noble idea of Corruption? Just imagine a passport officer accepting a bribe, I mean an appreciation, and then failing to issue the passport! Imagine a voter selling his vote for a bag of sugar, and then voting for the other party! What chaos is this? What breach of contract! We must stay true to an honest system of Corruption, and not allow Corruption to be corrupted! We must respect his legacy!

‘And now, as we come to the end of this funeral service, I ask you all to join the choir in Hymn No.666, To Corruption I Surrender, sung to the tune of All to Jesus I surrender…’

To Corruption I surrender,

All from Him I freely take;

I will ever love and trust Him,

I am always on the make.

To Corruption I surrender,

Humbly at His trough I eat;

Worldly pleasures all are taken,

For Corruption lets me cheat.

To Corruption I surrender,

Give me money, wholly mine;

Let me feel the Holy Dollar,

Never know it is a crime.

To Corruption I surrender,

Now I feel the devil’s flame;

Oh, the joy of full damnation!

Glory, glory to his name.

‘Did you hear the last words of that hymn?’ I said to Sara as we left the cathedral. ‘Maybe Corruption won’t be allowed in Heaven?’

‘Of course not!’ she snapped. ‘The spirit of Corruption will haunt this land forever.’