Strange Marriage

Strange Marriage

The Cathedral of the Very Cross was full and the service had already started by the time Sara and I pushed our way in, and found a place to stand at the back.

‘Is that the bride in the long white dress?’ I whispered to Sara.

‘No,’ she replied. ‘That’s the priest. He always puts on his best dress for occasions like this.’

As we were whisperering, the priest was mumbling and droning away with some ancient medieval ritual understood only by himself and God. ‘What about those lovely little girls in white dresses, standing behind the priest?’ I asked Sara. ‘Are those the bridesmaids?’

‘No,’ Sara hissed, ‘they’re the choirboys.’

‘Maybe they’re the brides of the bishop,’ I sniggered, as heads in front of me began to turn.

‘Not so loud,’ Sara chuckled, ‘the Christians don’t like to talk about these things.’

‘I’m just trying to find out what’s going on,’ I persisted. ‘I can’t see the happy couple!’

‘They’re standing in front of the priest,’ she said.

‘They’re both men!’ I exclaimed.

‘I thought you had realised that.’ she laughed. ‘This is the marriage between Cycle Mata and his lovely young partner, the beautiful Ha Ha.’

‘Oh my God!’ I said. ‘I thought this only happened in Malawi! They should be doing this sort of thing in private, not in church!’

By now the priest had stopped mumbling to the happy couple, and his voice could be clearly heard saying ‘Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded wife?’

‘Certainly not!’ came the loud gruff answer.

‘Oh dear,’ said the priest, as he now turned to the other. ‘What about you, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded wife?’

‘Certainly not,’ snapped the other.

As they took their vows, Sara whispered more in my ear. ‘This isn’t a sexual union,’ she explained. ‘More like a business arrangement.’

‘What’s their line of business?’

‘Property development. Cycle Mata runs the Property Franchise, the PF. Ha Ha has got United Properties for National Development, UNDP. Both wanted to buy Plot One in Independence Avenue, but neither could afford. Then they discovered that if they were a married couple, the bank would give them a mortgage.’

‘Ah ha,’ I said. ‘They just want to join their assets, but not their asses!’

As we were whispering, the ancient ceremony was coming to its usual gripping climax, as the priest posed the crucial question: ‘Do you take each other for better but not worse, in health but not sickness, for richer but not poorer, until divorce does you part?’

‘We do!’ they both shouted in unison.

‘I thought so,’ sighed the priest sadly. ‘Then I declare you to be a typical married couple, joined together in Holy Mortgage. May the Lord’s blessing be upon you.’

‘Hurray!’ they both shouted, as they both kissed the lovely priest, then turned and ran down the aisle, racing each other to the exit, and then disappeared out of sight. Within seconds we heard the noise of two engines starting, and then a squeal of wheels as two cars raced out of the cathedral carpark.

As we finally came out of the cathedral we bumped into our old friends Gilbert and Liz. ‘Why did they race away like that?’ Sara asked. ‘What was that all about?’

‘Possession is nine tenths of the law,’ laughed Gilbert. ‘The first one to enter the house will take possession, and the other will have to stay in the servants quarters!’

‘I thought they were now business partners,’ said Sara.

‘Hah!’ laughed Gilbert. ‘The only thing they have in common is their desire to get their hands on Plot One.’

‘After that!’ Liz cackled, ‘They disagree on everything. Ha Ha wants to live in the big house, turn the 200 hectares into a cattle ranch, and live like a king. But Cycle Mata wants to subdivide the land for 2000 houses.’

As we were talking, a Merc drove into the carpark, and the driver got out and ran up the priest, who was still standing on the cathedral steps. Then the priest raised his hands and called for quiet. ‘It is my sad duty to inform you of a most unfortunate and untimely accident. Apparently in their haste to reach their new home the newly married couple took separate cars, one approaching through the back gate and the other through the front, causing a dreadful collision which entirely destroyed the front portico of their magnificent new house.

‘However,’ continued the priest, ‘the good news is that neither of the newly married couple was injured in the crash. But the bad news is that both of them were injured in the fight which ensued, and they are now in intensive care.’

‘It was a strange marriage,’ said Liz sadly. ‘It was sure to fall apart.’

‘Why do you say that?’ I asked.

‘Didn’t you hear the prophetic last words of the marriage service? When two men are joined together, God will surely put asunder!’