The Rise and Fall of the Octopus

The Rise and Fall of the Octopus

I was sitting at my desk at the New Vision newspaper, desperately trying to focus. It was a stinking hot morning in December, 2011. The door opened and the Editor put his head around, ‘What are you writing about this week Kalaki?’

‘Dunno,’ I said. ‘I’ve got a terrible hangover.’

‘Then I’ve an idea for you,’ he said. ‘Go through the back numbers of the New Vision, and give us a series of snippets, from the World Cup until now, to trace the story of the Octopus.’

So I did as he said. And here is the strange story of the Rise and Fall of the Octopus…

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9 July 2010: Octopus Predicts World Cup Results

The world is captivated by the story of an octopus who has successfully predicted seven out of eight results in the World Cup, including the prediction that Spain would be the eventual winner. Professor Brainmann Wiserbugger, curator of the Sea Life Centre in Oberhausen says that octopuses are very clever because they have nine brains.

16 July 2010: Dotty Scotty Has An Idea

Dotty Scotty on Monday caused laughter in parliament when he suggested that we should make Paul Octopus our president. We have never, said Dotty, had a president clever enough to predict the inflation rate, or an election result, let alone a World Cup result.

6 August 2010: Octopus for President!

It seems that, for the first time in his life, Dotty Scotty has come up with a good idea. Every day this week there have been crowds outside parliament with placards and T-shirts demanding OCTOPUS FOR PRESIDENT.

13 August 2010: World Cup Benefit for Africa

Contrary to worldwide criticism that the World Cup was of no benefit to Africa, BBC football commentator Drivel Windbag has pointed out that the World Cup has identified Paul Octopus, a genius who could solve all the problems of Africa. Meanwhile, in Zambia the campaign for Octopus continues, with demonstrators continuing to camp outside parliament.

23 August 2010: Psychologist Joins Octopus Campaign

Eminent Yunza Psychologist Professor Doctor Rubble Supple has apparently joined the Octopus for President Campaign. On Tuesday he gave a lecture entitled Objective Octopus, explaining that an octopus was peculiarly well placed to take an objective and rational view of human affairs, because it did not have any human relatives needing employment, nor did it own property or bank accounts. Students received the lecture enthusiastically, shouting Honest Octopus! and Octopus for President!

3 September 2010: Octopus Heads for Zambia

On Monday this week the Minister for Continuing Disasters, Mr Redlip Snake, announced that President Nyamasoya had bowed to public pressure and had flown to Germany to negotiate for the purchase of the famous Octopus. However, at the time of going to press, latest reports were that Nyamasoya was still in Cape Town having his knees massaged in the Naughty Girls Massage Parlour.

29 October 2010: Octopus Arrives in Zambia

Independence celebrations were the biggest since 1964, as Octopus finally arrived in Zambia, and greeted the nation by waving all eight tentacles. The Minister for Disasters, Mr Redlip Snake, explained to the welcoming crowd that President Nyamasoya had spent more than six weeks in Paris and New York negotiating a loan of $100 million to buy Octopus. He had remained in the Bahamas to complete the details of this complex deal, and was expected to arrive back in Zambia in about a week's time.

5 November 2010: Octopus Given Job at State House

The Minister for Supervising National Disasters, Mr Redlip Snake, on Tuesday announced that Paul Octopus was taking over as Chief of Staff at State House, and that one of his nine brains would concentrate on formulating strategy for the next election, whilst his other eight brains would concentrate on reconstructing the economy.

14 January 2011: Octopus is Presidential Candidate

The long awaited MMD National Convention, held in Chipata on Wednesday, has unanimously elected Paul Octopus as Party President and President-Elect, and agreed to re-name the party as the Marine Monster Democracy. This was after the unpopular Nyamasoya declined to stand against Octopus, and even failed to attend the Convention. He had, however, sent a message pledging his support for Octopus.

10 April 2011: Octopus Elected President

Paul Octopus was on Monday sworn in as Republican President after his landslide victory in the Presidential Election on Thursday. In his inaugural speech he promised a new era of honesty, accountability, good governance, and zero tolerance to corruption, to the cheers of thousands of supporters at Independence Stadium, now re-named Octopus Stadium.

11 November 2011: Sad End

On Tuesday this week, at the end of a six-month trial, Nyamasoya was found guilty of abuse of office, grand deception and theft, and sentenced to twenty years with hard labour. More specifically, Nyamasoya was found guilty of embezzling a loan of $100 million, pretending to bring Paul Octopus to Zambia when in fact not, and then impersonating the said Paul Octopus for the purpose of using long tentacles to extract funds from the public purse.

When asked for a comment, President Kafupi Mupupu said there could be no question of acquittal or pardon, because his government believed in the rule of law and the fight against corruption.