The Last Dinosaur

The Last Dinosaur

MMD is on its deathbed – Inonge Wina.

(The Post, 31 January, 2011)

‘Grandpa,’ said Nawiti, ‘it’s time for my bedtime story.’

‘One upon a time, a long time ago,’ I began, ‘the faraway country of Zed was ruled by an enormous old dinosaur, called MMD.’

‘What did MMD stand for?’ asked Nawiti.

‘Monstrous Malignant Dinosaur,’ I explained, ‘but he liked to be called His Excellency the Emperor, the Most Magnificent Dinosaur.’

‘And was he really the Most Magnificent Dinosaur?’

‘Oh yes,’ I said. ‘The Most Magnificent and also the Most Ugly, because he was the last dinosaur left alive. All the others had died off many years before.’

‘But why,’ wondered Nawiti, ‘did the people choose an old leftover dinosaur as their emperor?’

‘They had had a couple of bad experiences with previous emperors,’ I said, ‘and had come to the opinion that the job was too much for mere mortals, who tended to become too pompous and arrogant. So they thought that the old dinosaur, having survived for millions of years, must have achieved wisdom, and must have been humbled by the ups and downs of such a long life.’

‘And did the Dinosaur make a good emperor?’

‘It all began to go wrong at the first press conference, which the Dinosaur held under a huge tree in the grounds of his huge palace. A naughty monkey sitting at the top of the tree could not resist the temptation, and pissed on the Dinosaur.’

‘What a terrible humiliation for the MMD,’ said Nawiti.

‘Most people just thought it was a good joke.’ I said. ‘But perhaps the Dinosaur knew that this was the beginning of the end for him, for as the monkey’s urine hit him square in the eye he shouted Kanitundila!’

‘Meaning what?’ asked Nawiti.

‘Kanitundila,’ I explained, ‘is the dreaded disease which can cross the species barrier from monkeys to other animals, and cause a long lingering death.’

‘Is it a bacteria or a virus?’

‘It’s not a biological disease,’ I explained, ‘It’s a social disease. Just as monkeys are very naughty and delinquent, so those who catch Kanitundila become socially delinquent.’

‘Once a monkey has pissed on you,’ suggested Nawiti, ‘so you now start to piss on other people!’

‘It’s not as simple as that,’ I said. ‘The symptoms vary from one person to another. It’s actually an immune deficiency disease, which gradually destroys the victims’ resistance to other social diseases.’

‘So what social disease did the Dinosaur develop?’

‘He gradually began to do things that were socially unacceptable.’

‘Such as what?’

‘Well, the first thing people noticed was that he was eating and drinking too much.’

‘Rather like you, Grandpa, you drink too much brandy.’

‘Well, er, perhaps. But I’m not swallowing public money. And I don’t have to stay sober, because I’m not running the country.’

‘Even so,’ said Nawiti. ‘If Kanitundila just caused the Dinosaur to get pissed now and again, was that a national disaster? Some of these leaders are less dangerous when they’re plastered.’

‘That was only the beginning. Gradually the social diseases got worse. He became deaf to what other people were telling him, and just wouldn’t listen to complaints. Soon after that he developed Kamwendo Munjila, causing him to fly from one country to another for no apparent reason. Then he developed Amnesia, and couldn’t remember any of his promises. As things got worse he developed Kleptomania, and began to swallow anything and everything.’

‘His belly must have become very large.’

‘Far too large, even for a dinosaur,’ I agreed. ‘Then he began swallowing things which belonged to other people. Before long the extreme Kleptomania caused Acute Constipation, and he had to be admitted to the ICU.’

‘The Intensive Care Unit?’

‘No, the Intensive Corruption Unit.’

‘And did he recover?’

‘Things got worse. The massive constipation was now causing internal corruption. Foul gas began to escape from the ICU, and to corrupt entire social institutions. Nothing could escape the foul stink of corruption. It wafted into Mulungushi Hall, and corrupted the constitution. It crept into the law courts, causing the guilty go free and the innocent to be convicted. Then into the National Arsembly, which immediately declared corruption to be legal. And finally into the Election Commission, where all the Election Commissioners were turned into Election Corrupters. Now the entire social system was corrupted.’

‘So all the people now caught Kanitundila? Did they all start pissing on each other?’

‘A strange thing happened. The ordinary people, all choking with the stink of corruption, developed an allergic reaction, called Mubarakitis. A mass allergic reaction caused a massive shift to a new political climate, from Dinosaucracy to Democracy.’

‘So it’s true!’ declared Nawiti. ‘Climate change killed the Dinosaur! Where did they bury him?’

‘His body keeps flying round the world,’ I said, ‘Nobody will have him.’

‘Because of the stink?’

‘Exactly,’ I replied.

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[In cooking up this story Kalaki was assisted by several Facebook friends, especially Joanne Ng’andu, Humphrey Milimo, Patrick Pani and Mayani Changala]