SLICE IT OFF!

Slice It Off!

‘In this morning’s meeting,’ said the President, ‘we shall be looking at the new policy proposals being put forward by the Unhealthy Minister, Mr Kapeto Simple.’

A groan went round the cabinet room. The ministers had been busy with fixing elections and other illegal activities, so this was the first time the cabinet had met in six months. ‘Our policy,’ sighed the Minister for Dodgy Contracts, ‘is to praise our President and thank him for all he has given us. So what’s all this about a new policy?’

‘A good point,’ agreed the President. ‘Our health policy is that I should be praised for opening a new hospital every week. This policy has been very costly, especially for the Republic of Ching Chang. So what more do you want?’

‘I am most humbly grateful, Your Most Excellent Excellency,’ began poor little Kapeto. ‘That you have afforded me a chance to speak. I am proposing a new AIDS policy, called Male Circumcision, to prevent HIV infection.’

‘Silly little fart wants to slice off our dicks!’ sneered Shikashiwa, Minister for Refuting Stories in The Post. ‘He’s not touching mine, it has thousands of admirers and I’m not having it mutilated.’

‘And we must remember,’ said Velvet Mango, ‘that ours are not ordinary members, they are members of parliament, who must always be able to stand up for the people!’

‘And how can our members exercise their right to freedom of movement?’ wondered the Minister for Sexual Affairs, ‘if doctors are lurking everywhere, waiting to slice our foreskins?’

‘My point exactly,’ grunted Shikashiwa. ‘Our members must have freedom to move up and down.’

‘Well?’ said the President, turning to Kapeto, ‘have we circumcised your new policy?’

‘Ha ha!’ they all laughed. ‘It’s been completely emasculated! Absolutely castrated! The new policy has been completely sliced off!’

‘Half a minute,’ squealed Kapeto. ‘Circumcision would be entirely voluntary. So for Shikashiwa, whose foreskin has been admired and enjoyed by so many, I’m sure we can all agree that he should keep it as a national treasure.’

‘Oh well,’ they laughed, ‘that’s alright then! Why didn’t you say so earlier?’

‘Furthermore,’ said Kapeto, ‘this policy shows a new vision.’

‘New vision?’ asked the President. ‘What’s that? Does circumcision improve eyesight?’

‘It entails a new view of the patient. Previously the government has taken responsibility for protecting people from disease.’

‘Then how is circumcision different?’

‘With this new policy,’ said Kapeto Simple, ‘it’s the man who’s the problem, and the onus is on him to take action. This entails a new vision, of seeing the patient as responsible, not the government.’

‘Excellent,’ said His Excellency. ‘Now the government can be more irresponsible!’

‘And not only that,’ said Kapeto, ‘but there’s a big market for foreskins in the Republic of Ching Chang, where dicks are too short for effective fertilization, and the population is going down. People will pay well to have an extra foreskin sown on.’

‘Or four foreskins,’ suggested Shikashiwa, ‘would allow more room for growth.’

‘Furthermore,’ said Kapeto, warming to his theme. ‘We here see a new principle in health policy, of not giving anything to the patient, but instead slicing a bit off.’

‘Excellent!’ exulted His Excellency. ‘But when are you other dull ministers going to emulate the Great Nyamasoya’s New Vision?’

‘With all due respect,’ said Strangulation Mushikilila, ‘My ministry already slices off 30% from workers’ packages, then another 17% from what’s left. And we’ve sliced old people off the face of the Earth by the simple expedient of swallowing their pensions.’

‘Don’t forget Miseducation,’ boasted Dollar Sillier, ‘where we’ve entirely sliced off the books, desks and teachers, leaving only the pupils and the buildings.’

‘Even so,’ said the President, ‘There’s a New Vision in slicing off bits of the people themselves. Think of all we could make in exporting kidneys, eyes, and livers. Why are we bothering with selling foreskins to Ching Chang when we could be exporting hearts to America.’

‘From an economic point of view,’ said Strangulation, ‘the value of such exports could be more than copper, and all of us here could become billionaires. And as the number of people decreased, this would solve the unemployment problem. The New Vision of Slicing Off could be our salvation, especially if we concentrate on slicing off the opposition!’

But the Minister of Injustice, the dreaded Red-lipped Snake, had not yet said anything. But now he spoke. ‘The problem,’ he said, ‘is the Anti-Corruption Act, where public servants have to explain how they acquired their assets. If a minister is found with ten thousand eyes and seven thousand kidneys and five thousand hearts, then he will be caught by the provisions of Section 37 of the Act!’

‘Simple!’ they all shouted. ‘Slice it off!’