My Dear Husband

My Dear Husband

Monday

Dear Diary, had a brief breakfast with My Dear Husband, before he went off again on one of his official trips. If only the people of this country knew how hard he is working for them. ‘Where are you going this time my dear?’ I asked him.

‘All the kings of Southern Africa have been invited to attend the Dance of the Naked Virgins in Manzini,’ he replied.

‘Ooh,’ I laughed, ‘I hadn’t realized there were any virgins left in Swaziland.’

He reached for his bottle of large blue pills, and swallowed a couple. ‘It’s a big problem, caused by the shortage of men. That’s why we’re all going down there to see what we can do to help.’

My Dear Husband, he’s very concerned about the plight of women, and he has so much love to give.

Tuesday

Dear Diary, It’s such hard work being a Queen. Today I had to spend all day at my Personal Tailor, making sure that I look like a real Queen. And to think, it’s only a couple of years ago that I was wearing ordinary chitenge and nshaupwa bwino. But now I wear bright green chitenge with yellow satin skunaz. I have had the royal chitenge embroidered with gold and silver thread all around the edges, with little fairy lights attached, so that it lights up in the dark.

Mother can’t adjust to my new status. When I showed her my new dress she turned on me like a market woman, saying ‘Thandi, you look like a Christmas Tree.’ How we can be disgraced by our relatives from the village! I had to tell her to know her place, and address me as ‘Your Excellency’ in future. Then I sent her upstairs to bed. If she doesn’t behave herself she’ll soon find herself on the bus back to Lundazi.

Wednesday

Dear Diary, Today My Dear Husband arrived back from Manzini, complete with three Swazi virgins. He was given them by the King of Swaziland, and apparently they’re specially trained in how to look after a king. He says that according to the national policy on women’s advancement, he’s going to appoint them as Ladies of the Bedchamber.

And while they’re settling in, he’s sending me to Mpulumushi to give royal gifts to all the women.

Thursday

Dear Diary, I spent all day in Mpulumushi, giving the women brown paper envelopes, bags of sugar, and royal blue chitenge printed with the face of the king. So as they danced with joy, the king also danced on their bottoms, which showed how much the king loves his women.

And I explained that they must vote for the king at the next election because the king believes in women’s development. But obviously he can’t bring them development if they don’t vote for him, and if he’s not allowed on their bottoms.

Friday

Dear Diary, I was back at the palace in time for supper with My Dear Husband. The new Ladies of the Bedchamber served the supper very nicely, also making sure that the King swallowed his pills. But I was a bit concerned that they were wearing nothing except short grass skirts. But My Dear Husband assured me that we are Pan Africanists, and we must respect African Kulcha.

He also explained that, after my successful trip to Mpulumushi, and because of his government’s policy on gender equality, I would now be equal to the King, with my own separate bedroom. And because of the policy of affirmative action, the three Ladies of the Bedchamber had been promoted to Vice-Queens, and would serve directly under the King.

Saturday

Dear Diary, Oh Dear, My Dear Husband went to an official ceremony today but came back limping badly. ‘What happened, My Beloved?’ I asked him. He explained that he had been dishing out the Distinguished Order of the Golden Boot to two cheeky politicians, but that he had put the Boot in too hard. ‘They were political heavyweights,’ he explained, ‘and I may have done more damage to myself than I managed to do to them.’

So this evening he flew off to Cape Town, to get treatment at the Naughty Girls Massage Parlour.

Sunday

Dear Diary, This morning I had an awful row with Mummy, who again deliberately called me Thandi instead of Your Excellency, then went on to claim that the King was cheating on me, that the three floozies in the Jacuzzi were actually his wives, and that the real reason for his trips abroad is that he is busy with Foreign Affairs. So now, as I write, the Old Bat is already on the bus back to Lundazi.

But now, Dear Diary, please forgive me, but I must hide you under this cushion. I’ve got Spectator Kalaki coming for tea this afternoon, and I don’t want him to find my Dear Diary!

[Kalaki's Note: Special thanks to Goli Shi’Nozipho for advice on Lundazi Bling Bling, and to Sipho Muleya for the intrusion of the Vice Queens]