King Movious

King Movious

‘Now close your eyes and go to sleep,’ I said, as I tucked Nawiti into bed.

‘Grandpa!’ she said, sitting up, ‘You know you’re supposed to tell me a story before I go to sleep.’

‘A long time ago in the land of Zombia,’ I began, ‘there was a king called King Movious, because he was always moving up and down, visiting other kings in other countries.’

‘And did the people like King Movious?’

‘Not much,’ I laughed, ‘because the poor people of Zombia had to pay for all his expensive trips to other countries in his big aeroplane.’

‘Didn’t he want to visit his own people?’

‘In the villages there was nowhere for his big aeroplane to land.’

‘So how did he ever win an election?’

‘In those days the king always won the election, because he was the one who counted the votes. But when he found people who hadn’t voted for him he would get very angry and start shouting If you don’t vote for me you’ll get no development!’

‘What is development, Grandpa?’

‘In those days they thought development was hospitals, because everybody was sick, except the king who had his own private hospital. So whenever the king’s messengers visited them, people would shout at them, saying Tell the king we’ll vote for him if he gives us a hospital!’ But the king would send the message back I know you crafty lot, once I’ve given you the hospital, you’ll vote against me! And then the people would send the message back We can’t vote for you because you refuse to give us a hospital!’

‘But,’ said Nawiti, ‘isn’t a king supposed to look after all of his people, even those that don’t like him? And how can they like him if he won’t look after them?’

‘Yes Nawiti, you know that and I know that, but the king didn’t know that because he was very stubborn. You see, the king was a hippopotamus who…’

‘A hippopotamus!’ exclaimed Nawiti. ‘Why didn’t you say so earlier? Isn’t that supposed to come at the beginning of the story?’

‘Sorry, I thought you realised,’ I said apologetically. ‘In those days kings were always hippopotamuses, because kings ruled by fear, and people were very frightened of hippopotamuses. But the problem with hippopotamuses is that they are very stubborn, and don’t hear any advice because their ears are too small.’

‘And they’re too movious,’ said Nawiti. ‘Always moving from one place to another.’

‘And so heavy,’ I said, ‘that they need a very large aeroplane to carry them from one place to another.’

‘So how does the story end?’ asked Nawiti impatiently. ‘Did the hippo ever manage to provide a single hospital for his long suffering people?’

‘When King Movious visited his friend King HoHo of Ching Chang, he was amazed to find that King HoHo had put hospitals on huge trailers, each pulled by fifty elephants. Where people voted for him he would immediately send them a mobile hospital. But if they voted against him in the next election, he would take it back again. So now, at last, King Movious thought he had found the solution to his problem. So he bought fifty mobile hospitals and took them to Zombia.’

‘So now people could be given a hospital if they voted for the king?’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But if they voted against him they would wake up the next morning to find that their hospital had disappeared.’

‘So the only way to keep your hospital was to keep voting for the king?’

‘That was the king’s intention. But what happened was that the warriors from a district without a hospital would raid a neighbouring district at the dead of night, and steal their hospital. Soon the entire country was engulfed in the Horrific Hospital War!’

‘So the king still wasn’t popular?’

‘Much more unpopular! People blamed the war on the king, and voted against him. Soon the mobile hospitals were all parked at Mfuwe, because only his friends in the game park had voted for the king.

‘Then the king called a big indaba to try to find out why he was so unpopular. And this was where the People’s Friend, Cycle Mata, plainly told King Movious that he was too movious, and that the hospital policy had proved a disaster. On the other hand, explained Cycle Mata, the king could now use Mobile Ching Chang Technology to put his palace on a huge trailer. With this modern technology, the Monstrous King Movious could now move around his own country to meet his subjects, and explain what he had been doing.

‘Very good, said the hippopotamus, I shall tell them that I am the king, and whether or not they get hospitals is my decision, and none of their business.

‘And so came the day when the Mobile Palace moved out through the Palace gates, with King Movious waving out of a movious window, amidst cheers from the crowd shouting Goodbye! Your Hour Has Come! Then the People’s Friend guided the elephants to the Zambezi River, where they dumped the Mobile Palace into the mobile water.’

‘Oh dear,’ said Nawiti. ‘Did King Movious drown?’

‘Of course not!’ I laughed. ‘He may have been very bad as a king, but he was very good as a hippopotamus.’