Elephant Politics
‘Did you hear Muvi TV News last night?’ asked Amock. ‘The MP for Mulobezi, a certain Mr Constituency Fund, says that elephants have invaded his constituency and are busy chasing the villagers and eating their maize. He’s pleading for the government to step in and protect the villagers.’
‘Huh,’ laughed Sara. ‘It’s not the job of ZAWA to protect villagers from elephants, but to protect elephants from villagers. The country earns a lot of money from Americans who come to stare at our elephants.’
‘The most absurd part of the story,’ said Amock, ‘is the name of the MP. How can he be called Mr Constituency Fund?’
‘I thought everybody knew the answer to that,’ laughed Sara. ‘It all arose because of the bank account which was named Constituency Fund. Then along comes this clever fellow who had the brilliant idea of changing his name to Constituency Fund. After that, he boldly walked into the bank, showed his registration card, signed for the money, and took the entire hundred million.’
‘Is that how he became the MP?’
‘Of course. During the election he bought plenty of beer for everybody and became the most popular man in the constituency. By the time they had sobered up they found that Constituency Fund was their MP, and that he had disappeared.’
‘It’s the same in all constituencies,’ Sara sighed. ‘Constituency Funds just disappear.’
‘Doesn’t that just summarises our system of government?’ I sighed. ‘The very government that is supposed to control the elephants is the very same government that has stolen the money needed to control the elephants. Until we stop all this rampant theft, we shall always be at the mercy of marauding elephants.’
‘Wrong!’ declared Jennifer.
‘Wrong?’ I wondered. ‘Does this story of elephant politics not reveal a larger and terrible truth? In this simple story we see the larger picture of how government is just a thief, stealing the money intended for general welfare. We are left helpless in the forest, at the mercy of the elephants.’
‘Wrong!’ Jennifer declared emphatically. ‘There is no government to protect us from the elephant! The government is the elephant! The good people of Mulobezi thought their MP would protect them from the elephant, not realising that he is the elephant! They haven’t realised what’s really going on!’
‘Even me,’ said Amock, ‘I’m also baffled.’
‘Just as he stole all the development funds,’ explained Jennifer, ‘so he’s also eaten all their maize. The poor people are calling on their MP to save them from poverty, not realising that he is the cause of it! He’s just a big fat monster who feeds off them, and is out to destroy them!’
‘You’re getting carried away with the theory of elephant politics,’ laughed Amock. ‘If Mr Constituency Fund destroys all the people, who will vote for him at the next election?’
‘Look,’ said Jennifer seriously, ‘you’re talking as if these elephants are people, who believe in parliamentary democracy. Just try to use your imagination, and see things from the point of view of the elephants. Elephants don’t need us humans, we are just a nuisance that gets in their way and spoils the forest.’
‘From their point of view,’ I conceded, ‘I suppose elephants have no interest in roads, schools, or hospitals.’
‘Aha!’ exclaimed Jennifer, ‘now you’re talking! And you may also have noticed that this government isn’t interested in roads, schools or hospitals. They’re not even interested in flooding, even when we’re up to our necks. We can drown in our own homes, or die of cholera, but the elephants won’t care. They can walk through floods, it doesn’t bother them! Have you ever heard of an elephant dying of cholera? Even in Zambia
‘But you claimed that they want to destroy us! Now you’ve changed your tune! You’re just saying they don’t care about us. Now which is it?’
‘Look,’ said Jennifer. ‘Elephants are also scared of us. They may be strong with big brains, but they can’t beat us in a straight fight. We are too many and too dangerous. They have to be strategic. So they have decided to join our system, and corrupt it from within. They are using their elephant politics to take over the government, in order to gain control and starve us to death.’
‘It’s not that simple,’ said Sara, ‘the elephants also depend on us. They still need us humans to dig out the copper, to maintain their lifestyle of gluttony and feasting. But at the same time, this also makes them vulnerable. While they keep us as slaves to fill their huge bellies, we still have a chance to catch them in a drunken stupor, and snatch back our independence!’
‘These elephants may be monstrous,’ I said, ‘but they are a minority who can only hold power by subversion and deception. Once people realise what they’re up to, they’re finished. We can use our majority to change the constitution, and put in a new clause that nobody with a tail shall be elected to public office!’
‘And who,’ asked Jennifer, ‘will implement this new rule?’
‘The judiciary,’ Amock suggested.
‘The judiciary!’ she cackled. ‘Thereby hangs a tail!’
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