An Educated President

An Educated President

'Well Khoza,' said Sara, 'now you're in Grade 12, what are your ambitions when you leave school?'
'I'm going to be president,' he replied confidently.
'Ooh, that's nice,' I said. 'You're going to need a wise Grandpa as your presidential advisor.'
'According to the latest from the National Certification Conference,' laughed Sara, 'you'll need more than wisdom from Grandpa, you'll need a degree from Yunza.'
'A degree is not the same as thing as wisdom,' declared Khoza.
'Perhaps not,' I said. 'But since you have neither, you're poorly placed to judge.'
'On the contrary,' retorted Khoza, 'Since I have neither, I am very well placed to take a disinterested and unbiased view of the matter.'
'Well,' said Sara, 'from an objective point of view, is it not better to have a president with a degree, rather than without?'
'Well, Grandma,' replied Khoza, 'is it better to have a thief with a degree, or an honest person without a degree?'
'What are you saying?' asked Sara, now getting exasperated. 'Are all these clever arguments a mere cover for your unwillingness to enrol for a degree?'
'Not at all,' replied Khoza. 'I was merely pointing out that you haven't established any convincing connection between the wisdom necessary to be a president and the knowledge acquired in a degree.'
'We didn't claim any connection,' I laughed. 'What we said was that the NCC is making it a requirement, so you'd better study for a degree.'
'Oh, but there is a connection,' said Khoza calmly.
'Really?' we both replied at once. 'What's that?'
'Just look back to colonial times,' said Khoza. 'Welensky always explained that the whites had power and wealth because they were the ones with the education.'
'But that was a lie!' Sara exploded. 'He was just discriminating against blacks!'
'I know!' laughed Khoza triumphantly. 'And most people realised that. But they still managed to believe that the whites had the top jobs because of their superior education. That's why we spent billions on building schools and universities, thinking that education would bring us our own power and development. But now we find that we're more impoverished than when we started!'
'Are you saying that all our education was useless?' wondered Sara.
'Of course not!' laughed Khoza. 'It's invaluable. It enables the ruling class to hold on to power on the basis that they're the ones with the qualifications!'
'But nowadays,' I objected, 'a child of poor parents can get into university, and get to the top.'
'My poor dear old grandparents,' sighed Khoza, 'you're so out of date. The poor can't afford university. But even if they do, they remain unemployed, because they haven't got rich parents to give them jobs.'
'That's not true,' said Sara. 'The university gives you useful skills for employment, so you can become a teacher, lawyer, engineer or doctor.'
'Yunza is providing skills for an imaginary and non-existent world,' sighed Khoza. 'Teachers learn to impart knowledge, but the purpose of schools is to withhold knowledge and produce drop-outs. Lawyers are taught about the rule of law, which exists nowhere in practice. Foreign investors bring their own engineers, and ours remain redundant. The only career prospect for a doctor is to go abroad immediately.'
'Are you really claiming that Yunza provides no proper understanding of how the world actually works?'
'Much worse than that,' laughed Khoza. 'It would give them a view of how the world ought to work, instead of how it actually works, which is quite opposite.'
'But if university education is so counterproductive,' said Sara, 'then why is the NCC demanding a degree from Yunza?'
'They're not,' retorted Khoza. 'Apparently you didn't hear Mwangalila Zealousness on TV last night. The NCC is going to set up its own National Certification College to provide degrees for presidential candidates.'
'So NCC members will continue to receive their allowances for ever?' I suggested.
'Exactly,' said Khoza. 'They'll all become lecturers in Presidential Studies, since they're all very experienced in how government actually works. They'll give lectures in bribing, ballot rigging, contract rigging, tribal loyalties, silencing critics, banning protests, buying judges, ruling by fear, and using rape as a political weapon. It will be a four year curriculum, leading to a Master of Misrule.'
'An entire college?' wondered Sara. 'Have they forgotten that we need only one president every five years?'
'But we also need,' explained Khoza, 'to educate corrupt councillors, parasitic MPs, monstrous ministers, dismal commissioners, impermanent secretaries, professional bootlickers and political thugs. Only graduates with a Distinction in Villainy will be eligible to stand as presidential candidates.'
'So do you expect to do well?' I asked.
'I hope so,' Khoza replied smugly. 'I expect to rise quickly to the top of this new educated elite. Lesser mortals will merely follow our orders, out of respect for our superior qualifications and intelligence.'
'And this was the system used by Welensky?' asked Sara.
'That's right,' he replied.
'Have you heard what happened to him?' asked Sara.
'No,' he said. 'What happened?'